Jukebox In My Mind II: Die Harder

These are songs that have been kicking around me old noggin'.

Reunion- Life is a Rock (but the Radio Rolled Me)- This is one of those We Didn't Start the Fires style list songs. When I was a kid McDonalds had this McDonald's rap that came on a cheap cut out vinyl and it was basically...wait, let me see if I can find it...

Yes! Thank you internet for having every useless piece of shit ever! Anyway, that was the song I studied until I could do the whole thing from memory. I don't know why these list songs have always appealed to me, but lists in general always have. Go figure.

Don't know why but Cake's Short Skirt/Long Jacket has been stuck in my head this week. The real video is annoying because people are talking over the song so here is just the audio.

I was maybe wrong about this album not having any good songs. It has a couple and the rest are very listenable but nothing major. Definitely still my least favorite Strokes album. But I like this song called Happy Ending.

I have also been badmouthing the new Generationals album but anything with a song like this on it can't be all bad. This song is called I Used to Let You Get to Me. If the rest of the album was like this, it would be an automatic favorite of the year but the rest of the songs seem to intentionally avoid hooks.

The most obvious song for a single from my album I would place as one of my favorites so far this year. These guys picked up where MGMT left off but seem to be slightly more consistent, IMHO.

Although I don't love the way this song ends, the first half of it just breaks my heart. This is the Hold Steady with First Night.

Another one that reared back up from nowhere. I don't know how this clawed its way up from the recesses of my memory but here is Soul Coughing with Circles.

Say what you will about Phil Collins (and I have said quite a bit) but he could make some catchy music back in the day. That's All is by Genesis.

Finally, there is this Jayhawks song, which has been stuck in my head since I played it on one of my Grooveshark radio shows.

That is my mind jukebox for now...enjoy?

Post Show Blues

This is one of those "only if you can find it" posts. It is all about the weird, hollow feeling I got after I left the improv show tonight. Before the show, I was back in the green room, talking with my teammates. Mike, a guy who never showed up for class, bowed out at the last minute, leaving us down to seven. There is Claire, Dale, John, Brigid, Jeff, Christian and me. Tim had me in 80% of the show, which I took as a vote of confidence. My favorite bit I did was with Dale. We were playing a game called "Understudy" where Dale and I acted out a scene. Usually, in practice, Tim makes the other person leave and then I have to lead that person's understudy through the scene, prompting them to say certain lines or do certain actions. Tonight, Tim sat me down and made Dale do the explaining, which came as quite a shock to all of us. At any rate, the scene that Dale and I played was from a play called Midnight Murder in the Ladies' Restroom. I played an inspector being aided in my investigation by Dale, who was clearly the killer. I remained oblivious and we got in some great banter.

We all took seats in the crowd after our bit was over. We watched the Level 3 guys do a pretty decent job (long form has a way of just bogging down and repeating itself if the players aren't careful). We had the advantage of playing short form games that come in, punch and get out.

When the house lights came up for intermission, we were all finally able to see who came to see us. Now, I only know two people in Kansas City outside of Improv. One is Megan (who was in my first Improv group) and one is Kahla (the cute comic shop girl).  I invited them both (and Kahla's boyfriend) but they weren't there. Everyone else had friends, significant others, relatives or just well-wishers in attendance. After the second act (which was a freaking incredible musical improv show that featured my teacher and some other folks), everyone wanted to be with their families and loved ones to celebrate. I just didn't have anyone to talk to, really. I said my goodbyes and left. As I drove home, the adrenaline rush of the evening was gone and all that was left was this hollow feeling I always get when I accomplish something and no one gives a shit.

I am, in no way saying that Megan or Kahla should have been there (in fact, I think I scared Kahla off the other night by asking too many questions). They are under no obligations to me. And I know, if I had performed in Greenville, I would have been swamped with friends. Even in South Carolina, though, there would have come the time when everyone went home with their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives and I would be left alone.

I saw a picture of myself on stage tonight. My first thought was, "Shit, I am perfectly spherical." No wonder no one wants anything to do with me, romantically. Again, my exercise and diet routine is going to take time and I know this but the bitterness grows anyway.

Why I Am Not Seeing the New Superman Movie

Besides being broke, there is a specific reason I am not going to see the new Superman movie. This post will involve spoilers for a movie I have not seen so, be warned.

I read somewhere, and it may be totally spurious, that Superman is the second most recognizable fictional character of all time. I guess your image of Superman really depends on when you grew up. If you are somehow reading this and grew up in the 40s, I am guessing you have seen Superman through a variety of changes so nothing is very shocking about the character changing anymore. I was a child of the 80s. All of our depictions of Superman were informed by our parents' generation. The first movie came out when I was 1. I think I saw Superman 3 in the movie theater. Anyway, there is one basic character trait for Superman...he doesn't kill.

There are heroes who do kill (most of them rose to popularity in the late 80s and early 90s). I have no problem with Wolverine slicing and dicing or Punisher blowing people up, that is who they are. Batman and Superman don't kill. Also, their own safety is secondary to making sure all innocent bystanders are safe. In addition, Batman doesn't use guns. There have been plenty of deconstructions of these characters who do kill easily and without remorse. Apollo and the Midnighter are two characters from the Authority series who (besides being lovers) are most differentiated from Superman and Batman by their ruthless tactics.

The only pic I could find without the two of them making out.

I have been reading a lot of comic fan reactions to the movie and they kind of go out of their way to excuse the bloodshed. By the way, to make things unambiguous, in Man of Steel, Superman kills his enemy and their fights demolish large chunks of Metropolis. Some have excused the destruction of Metropolis with the old comic book logic of "those buildings were empty." I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if an entire city could have been evacuated before Supes starts his final throwdown but the character I love would immediately move the fight somewhere less dangerous for bystanders.

You might ask, what are you basing this on? Has Superman never killed in comics?

Firstly, he probably did kill some people in the Golden Age. Back when Batman used a gun and just straight up shot motherfuckers, Superman was known to toss a bad guy into the air where his landing would have no doubt exploded him. These are not the popular conceptions of these characters. Yes, characters change and grow over time. It is true that Superman used to be vaguely socialist in his politics but those days were short. For the bulk of his history, Superman has had a strict "no killing" policy. Just like his famous "S" logo wasn't the same when he started and Captain America's shield wasn't round, characters change and then those changes stick.

And some don't...I miss you, hook-hand Aquaman...

Now, some of you may know that Superman is published by DC comics. In the early 1980s, the company decided that their continuity was too complex and that was why they were losing readers (rather than, oh, say, the rise of home videogames). So, they decided to "reboot" the DC universe with Crisis on Infinite Earths. Like the birth of Jesus, most comic fans divide the DC timeline between Pre-Crisis (BC) and Post-Crisis (AD). Pre-Crisis, Superman's morality was set in stone. See, in order to survive from the Golden Age to today uninterrupted, Superman had to bow to the Comics Code Authority in the 1950s. This was like a ratings board that deemed content safe for children to read. After World War 2, comic heroes stopped killing (hell, stopped their violence almost altogether). Superman would outsmart a bad guy or maybe wrap him in a pipe or something but he could only let lose on robots or aliens. Even then, not so much with the fisticuffs.

For a big chunk of Superman's career, he was almost a pacifist. Once the Comics Code started relaxing a little bit in the 1970s, Superman was held apart from newer heroes by the fact that represented this Silver Age morality. Pre-Crisis, you would only catch Superman killing in an "imaginary story" if even then. In fact, it wasn't really even needed because villains rarely killed anyone either.

Although some surely deserved to die.

I don't think I am going out on too big a limb here to say that from the Silver Age through Crisis Superman was pretty locked in as a non-killer. About 30 years of his history (at that point) dominated by the lack of murder makes it a pretty compelling character trait but there is more.

Post-Crisis, new writers and artists were allowed to reshape Superman's history. In fact, up until the recent 52 Reboot by DC, the Post-Crisis continuity held on for about another 30 years. This is the era I know the best and I would like to pick three stories from it that sum up my argument.

1) Sacrifice- It is funny that I was just rereading this. Part of my summer has been going back through my collection and reading story arcs I liked but hadn't seen in awhile. Sacrifice was a little four issue story that happened between issues of the OMAC Project mini-series. This was all to lead into Infinite Crisis (the sequel to Crisis on Infinite Earths, see how it all ties together?). In order to have all the pieces in place for Infinite Crisis, the writer (in this case Greg Rucka, one of my favorites) had to make Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman distrust one another.

Batman had already created a spy satellite to keep an eye on all the other heroes, so Superman and Wonder Woman were already pissed at him. The villain of the piece was Max Lord, former leader of the Justice League. Lord had taken control of Superman's mind. In the Sacrifice arc, Lord made Superman believe he was seeing the brutal deaths of Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and anyone else he cared about. Superman goes into a rage and Lord tricks him into attacking Batman. Poor Batman, being only human, is almost killed. Wonder Woman has to step in and murder Max Lord to get him to release his control on Superman.

In fact, there is a pivotal moment in the story which I believe is probably echoed a bit in Man of Steel (from what I've heard). Wonder Woman has Lord defeated. He is tied in her magic lasso and must tell her the truth (that's how the lasso works). Lord taunts her by saying he will be free again at some point and, as soon as he is, he will take over Superman's mind again and cause more destruction...

That is the moment that causes Superman to no longer trust Wonder Woman. Even when he had been brainwashed into thinking he was fighting Doomsday or Darkseid (two opponents he would not need to hold back his strength on) he still managed to not kill Batman somehow. Even not in his right mind, he didn't kill. When Wonder Woman tries to explain, "There was no other way." He says, "There is always another way." That is Superman, post and pre-crisis in a nutshell. He would move heaven and earth to find a way not to kill someone. To kill is a failure and you are pulling yourself down to the level of your enemy.

2) What's So Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?- From March of 2001, this story appeared in issue 775 of Action comics and was written by Joe Kelly. In it, there is a new superhero team in town called The Elite. The Elite are parodies of the badass super teams that sprang up in the 1990s like the Authority or X-Force. They are all about killing criminals to make the world a better place. Superman decides they are as bad as villains and needs to stop them. The Elite keep mocking him in public and soon, the people are on the side of the Elite. Superman challenges them to a televised fight where it appears as if he is murdering the Elite one at a time. He finally reveals that he just defeated them and spared them all but wanted to scare their leader into acknowledging that there is always an alternative to violence. Again folks, defining trait of Superman!

3) The execution of Zod- John Byrne had the most influence on Superman's post-crisis origins. Byrne wrote and drew a large portion of the Superman titles after Crisis. In one such story, he had Superman meet General Zod, a Kryptonian villain who had been banished to the Phantom Zone. This involves pocket dimensions and a lot of plot contortions to but Zod gets free, kills all the humans on Earth (not the real Earth, long story) and Superman shows up to stop him. Superman takes away Zod's powers using Gold Kryptonite and then, when Zod says he will find a way to get his powers back and come jack up the real Earth, Superman kills him with Kryptonite.

And the horse you rode in on, Zod.

Wait, what's that you say? Superman killed someone in your precious post-Crisis continuity? Yes, yes he did. The point of the story wasn't to make Superman a badass, it was to forever alter him. He regrets that he executed Zod and vows to never take another life. The implicit becomes explicit as we see Superman, early in his career, make a mistake.

So why am I judging Man of Steel, which I haven't even seen, for doing what the comics did? I mean, isn't this set pretty early in the career of Superman?

If Superman does not kill again in subsequent movies, then I will take this as a tip of the hat to Superman's Post-Crisis timeline and enjoy it. I do not have a crystal ball and have no idea what future Superman movies will actually contain. Instead, I have to go off of what I do know based on the creative team...the Dark Knight Trilogy and the Watchmen.

Now, I love the Dark Knight movies, don't get me wrong. The entire second movie revolves around the fact that Batman doesn't kill. The ending of the first movie really irked me in that Batman just lets Ra's Al Ghul die.

That is, again Golden Age notwithstanding, the opposite of the Batman I know. He doesn't just not kill, he holds life as sacred and will do whatever he can to save even evil-doers. I thought there was some character growth in the way he stopped the Joker from dying at the end of the Dark Knight. He didn't "have to save" the Joker either, but he did. Of course, by the Dark Knight Rises, he is cool with letting Bane get blown away and Talia getting her spine crushed. Any sort of stance he made in the second movie seemed to be largely forgotten.

David Goyer wrote the screenplay for Batman Begins. He also did the story, but not the script for the other two Batman movies. He also wrote Man of Steel. I don't trust him to display character growth in Superman but maybe I will be wrong. And Zak Snyder...I mean, he got the plot of Watchmen right but missed anything remotely compelling about it. I also do not trust him to "get" Superman.

Will this Superman play to a massive audience? Sure. Will it be the most popular version of Superman? I don't see why not. Is it a betrayal of a fictional character's defining personality trait? It sounds like it to me. Just like I had no interest in a Jonah Hex movie where he somehow has magical powers, I have no interest in a killer Superman movie. Two years from now, after the next one has come out, if it turns out the killing of Zod and the allowing of thousands of innocents to die was a learning moment for Superman, I will eat crow then and watch the shit out of it. If it was just a poor character choice, I always have my back issues.

Finally Thinking

I was just eating in an IHOP at midnight, by myself. Usually, when I eat alone, I carry a notebook in with me in case inspiration strikes. Well, strike it did. I finally started thinking about my options and trying to come up with a realistic plan for my life. I came up with a 3x3 grid. On one axis: great job, shitty job, no job. On the other: Kansas City, Some other city, Greenville. Won't you join me as I explore my options?

Option 1: Great Job in Kansas City. Well, this would be ideal, wouldn't it? If I could get a great job (not like any of the ones I have applied for), I could stay here, finish out my lease and start paying for a car. The only hitch in this: what do I consider a great job? I mean, something that is going to pay me like a boss is going to almost by definition be something I am only mildly interested in. There are no management positions open at casinos. If I want Option 1 to work, I have until the end of July (maybe August if I have found the brass ring and think I can snag it). So, for this option, I need to figure out what it is I could do for a career and start applying if there are any such positions in KC. So, not the easiest and there is a clock ticking.

Option 2: Shitty job in Kansas City. That is to say, I get one of these jobs I have been applying to. If so, I can pay my bills and rent but will not be able to get a car without a second job. In which case I would have to find something part-time. I am having a hard enough time finding full-time but the bar would be pretty damn low for the part-time job. Hell, I could work at a pizza place or try retail somewhere. The point is, doable. Again, I have until the end of July to work something out or the money runs dry. This would be stop gap at best.

Option 3: No Job in KC. Well, like I said, there is an expiration date on all the KC stuff. Unless I want to run up massive debt, I have until the end of the summer at best to get a job or get out. So, this is obviously not a long-term solution and it is what I am living in right now!

Option 4: Great Job somewhere else. So, say I figure out what I want to be when I grow up. However, nowhere in KC has what I need. If I can get a nicely paying job somewhere else, I can probably afford to relocate, pay off what debt I have here and work on getting a car. Of course, the main thing is to look first at cities with great public transpo so the car becomes a secondary concern. The worst drawback is going deeper in debt to relocate again so soon and I would be on the hook for my lease here until next March!

Option 5: Shitty Job somewhere else. This one is the biggest gamble. It eliminates the need for a car because I would only take a shitty job in a city where I could get around on public transpo. Of course, those are usually big cities that cost more to live in so even the shitty job would have to be not so shitty. I would still probably wind up having to get two jobs just to live in the city with the shitty job.

Option 6: No job somewhere else. Why would I even do this one?

Option 7: Great Job in Greenville. Although I am not ready to come back to Greenville just yet in a spiritual sense, all my friends are there and I have learned how to live there. If I could find a kickass job there that would pay down my debts and allow me to get a car, I would be open to it for sure.

Option 8: Shitty Job in Greenville. Not even sure how I would pull this one off. Living with friends or my parents would reduce my bills but not eliminate them. I would also be paying rent still on this place in KC I'm not using. AND I would have to find transportation. This seems unfeasible.

Option 9: No job in Greenville. This is the second worst option to me (besides relocating somewhere without a job). I would just be leeching from my friends and family, going deeper into debt and would be unable to afford a car.

With all this laid out in front of me, I have to say that Option 1 or 4 would be best to me. That means finding a job I actually want. Option 5 is actually the next most appealing just because I know I'm not going to end up in KC.

So, what do I want to do?

I have been outlining writing projects, so that is one thing. I want to give comics another go (not letting Damocles Fugue's death get me down). The main problem with working two jobs is, that doesn't leave a lot of time for writing. Writing is the thing I want to get serious about and do. I will never earn my living through writing but at least I can be happy doing that on the side. So most creative jobs are entry level, ie shitty, jobs. If I want option 1 or 4, I will have to go for something in my field...security, investigations or teaching CJ. I still have a lot to think about but my thoughts are finally organized.

The Conflict

I am having a bit of an external conflict in that a very personal thought process is playing out in public. I write the truth in this blog about the way I feel. It is messy and not pleasant. I know this causes people who care about me to worry for me. That is not at all my intention. I write because I don't have deep, meaningful conversations...ever, these days. I feel completely disconnected from my friends in an emotional sense. So, these posts are to try to express how I feel and maybe get someone to understand me. I think all I have succeeded in doing is making people wonder when I will gack myself. I know the whining and the depression get tiring. Trust me, it tires me out even more because I live with these thoughts 16 hours a day.

So, if this blog is too raw or makes you feel uncomfortable or is just boring the shit out of you, don't read it. Honestly, I won't know who does and who doesn't. All I can tell is how many times it has been read. For all I know, I have one obsessive reader out there who hits refresh over and over again.

Right now, I feel like this is the best way I can communicate with the people I care about since we never can get into the juicy meat of things when we talk (mostly because it must be pried out of me and who has the patience for that?). I have decided not to post these personal entries to facebook anymore. If you guys want to follow me, you know where to find this by now.

Depression is a frustratingly narcissistic condition, I know. It seems like I am only thinking about myself and that is pretty much true. Bear with me and maybe the old Josh will come back. And maybe he will just be stuck in third person.

For those curious, this is the song my last post title came from...

What a Comfort to Find Out You're Losing Your Mind

My mental state is...precarious...to say the least. I have been thinking a lot about ways I can just go ahead and die. Of course, the downside to all of them is that, if I screw up, then I am just brain damaged and what a fate worse than death that would be.

To lighten the mood, I have included pics of happy kittens.

I stay up until 3 or 4 am. I have intense dreams (usually about old friends or old girlfriends or old friends I had wished were girlfriends at some point) and I wake up around noon. I find it exceedingly difficult to get out of bed or actually do anything. I usually lay here until three or four in the afternoon and then take a shower. By that time, it is too late to drop my rent check off or go apply for jobs. So, I usually make "lunch" at about the time old people eat dinner. I maybe watch some TV while I eat and then come back to my room. My bed has become sort of my base of operations (not that it hasn't always been).

The insomnia and the lack of motivation seem to point towards intense depression. I got paperwork from the SC unemployment office and I just let it sit for about two weeks before I read it. Turns out, I should have been calling in once a week on Sundays to claim my unemployment or something. Hell, I don't know.

Yep, this is about it.

So, what do I do in bed all day? (asked no one)

I read books, comics, websites...lots of reading. I write a little. I talk to people on the phone. I check my bank accounts, look at porn, apply to a job every now and then. I have been dabbling with grooveshark, listening to 70s music.

If I have something to do, I go do it. Like Improv on Monday nights or the occasional grocery run when I am running low on supplies.

Some days, I don't even check the mail because it requires walking through the jungle of my front yard (I have no lawn mower and no money to pay someone to cut my grass). The worst thing is my shortened attention span. I can only read one chapter at a time or one comic at a time before I need to check on Candy Crush or Criminal Case. I start writing blog entries and never finish them (there are about three times as many started as there are posted).

I can has ADD?

The most frustrating thing is that I am not thinking. It is like I refuse to think. My mind seems stuck in park. I want to think about something other than "I wish I was dead" but it is getting harder and harder to do so. I always pride myself on my intellect, it is the best thing about me. But lately, I would be unarmed in a battle of wits.

What am I going to do about my future? What if I can't find a job? What if I can't find a car? What if I get so deep in debt I can't climb out again? What if I am eating myself into a butterball coma?

None of these questions seem to need answering at this time, according to my brain. I have no idea what it will take to get me to care about my life again. Anyway, if you've read this far, you must be a real friend so thanks for listening to me aimlessly bitch.

This picture is on the cusp of almost too goddam adorable.

Best Songs I've Heard This Year...So Far

At the end of the year, I usually do a best of and I don't see why this year would be any different.

I really want to write something tonight but I don't want to do my usual whining about my life and blah blah blah.

Bear in mind, these are from albums I bought this year. I still don't own Surfer Blood's new one or Yeezus. But I expect I will like something off of those. These are in no particular order...

1) Father John Misty- Nancy From Now On

This was the first album I fell in love with this year. It was the only thing from the 2012 best of lists that sounded like it might be good, so I tried it out. I'll probably present this in my perfect album series at some point since I love every track. It will be hard to pick just one for the end of the year. This song got stuck in my head quite a bit.

2) Phosphorescent- A Charm/A Blade

This album is a lot more subdued than his last one. I like this track because it builds like a lot of my favorites do. I am a sucker for a horn section I guess. Unless something changes, this will be the track on my best of.

3) Foals- My Number

Seeing these guys live was a pretty basic deal. They did their songs and did them well. Not a lot of showmanship but you can tell their stuff is well crafted. Just a catchy little song. About half of this album is just stellar.

4) Girl Talk- Jump On Stage

The guy behind Girl Talk (I forget his name, Greg something?) just knows how to hit my sweet spot, musically. This mashups are so much fun and they change so quickly that, even if you hate a choice he has made, you only have to listen to it for a minute at most. Again, hard to pluck out just one song.

5) Frightened Rabbit- Holy

Another really solid album I got this year filled with good songs. It is funny, I was listening to this the other day before I went to Kinko's to print some resumes. The lead singer has a thick, Scottish brogue. With the tune still in my head, I went in and the woman at the counter was Scottish. I so wanted to ask her if she knew this band but she was pushing retirement age and I figured that was a long shot. Anyway, good stuff.

6) Telekinesis- Ever True

Not sure when I turned the corner on resisting synth-pop to embracing it but this song is the direct opposite of something I would have liked five years ago. This album is uniformly excellent and I have been loving it. This was one of the few songs they didn't play live when I saw them with friends this year.

I also bought new albums by The Strokes and Generationals but neither of them have floated my boat so far. I have seen bands I liked live, like Shadowpaint and Palace, but they have a low web presence, to date. Anyway, expect this list doubled by the end of the year.