Aaron Sorkin, Why Do You Make Me Cry?

Just look at this smug bastard...

I started watching the West Wing yesterday and it has been very difficult to stop. I avoided it for years because I knew it to be the longest running Sorkin show and who has that kind of time to commit? Turns out, I do.


My enjoyment of Sorkin began in college when I started watching reruns of Sports Night on Comedy Central. The show had one major flaw (in the first season) in that it was a one camera show, obviously filmed on a series of sets, that had a laugh track as if a giggling chorus of assholes was following the cast around while they filmed. For one thing, like all Sorkin shows, it is funny but it also has a lot of drama. So, trying to find a place to squeeze in a laugh track in a story about sexual harassment is kind of crass, to say the least.

Jeremy (on the far left) is my surrogate character.

At any rate, I found myself sucked into Sports Night. Which is weird, if you know me, because I don't care about sports. At all. At. All. The premise of the show is that it follows the support staff and on-air talent of a Sports Center type show.  Although team names would usually be accurate, specific athletes and coaches were made up for the show. I like to think all of Sorkin's shows take place in an alternate universe (the Sorkin-verse, if you will). In the end, Sports Night ends up being about sports like I've heard Friday Night Lights isn't really about football. The two anchors of the show within the show are single, one of them is in love with the producer of the show (Felicity Huffman). There are writers and assistant producers and researchers and all of them have their own lives and plotlines. It is like any other workplace dramedy in that respect.

The thing that hooked me, at first, was the rapid fire dialogue. Being a huge fan of Cary Grant in His Girl Friday, I love to watch fast, witty banter. You have to actively listen and watch the whole show because there are references and callbacks that make no sense unless you have been paying attention. It rewards non-casual watchers, which is what I am. I almost never turn on the TV just to have something on or to play in the background. If I am watching TV, that is what I am doing (or watching while I am on my treadmill, but, same thing). I found Sports Night incredibly witty. It is almost never belly laugh funny but it great for chuckles and wry, knowing laughter.

Then I noticed an odd phenomenon. After I got to know the characters a bit, I would find myself just weeping like a shithead at the end of almost every episode. I bought the DVD box set and watched the pilot for the first time, and that made me cry. I didn't want to look too closely at why. At various points in my life, especially when I have attempted to be stoic in the face of hard times or depression, the slightest emotional push from a movie, song or TV show could make me well up. Everclear songs, Woody Allen movies and (most inexplicably) any program where a character who doesn't usually sing has to sing...all these things have made me cry for little to no reason when I have been emotionally vulnerable. So, I didn't give it much thought when Sports Night made me boo-hoo because I figured, this must be one of those times.

My theory was further proven (a bit) when I began watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I liked the cast and I was caught up in comparing it to 30 Rock like everyone did that first season. Studio 60 almost never made me cry. There were a couple of good ones in there but, by and large, it was kind of unlikable. Maybe because I knew that Sorkin was pouring some of his venom over a relationship gone wrong into the show, I found it hard watch characters who should love each other hating each other. It was still funny (if in an off-base way) but not Sports Night good.

I wanted to never stop punching half these people.

The Social Network really won me back over to Sorkin's side as a great screenplay. A topic on which I had no interest, again, was made to fascinate and pull me in. I watched the first episode of The Newsroom and realized I would probably have gotten sucked into that, too, if I still had cable.

This is the first scene from the Newsroom. I love the rant that ends this but it is an 8 minute investment.

Watching these first few episodes of The West Wing, the old waterworks are back. Now, granted, I have been having a tough time lately. However, no one who reads this blog would accuse me of being stoic or not expressing my feelings. I think, now that I am watching a pure intersection of Sorkin and politics, that I get why his writing moves me, emotionally.

As a liberal, you have to be kind of willfully naive about a few things. You have to be under the impression that people want to be good to each other, help each other. We may bicker, disagree, get angry but, at the end of the day, we would all stand up and do the right thing. Sorkin writes the best of all possible worlds. He writes where people behave as if they have honor and scruples.

There is a debate in the first couple of West Wing episodes between doing the right thing and appearing to do the right thing. In the real world, the appearance of doing the right thing (in politics) is the most important thing. In the Sorkinverse, his characters get to do the right thing and not pay the price for it. I realize, this is the kind of world I want to live in. Everyone is smart, well-informed, a little smarmy and ultimately decent to one another. If there are bad guys, they are kind of 2-d straw men to be knocked over by our fiercely intelligent protagonists. This is in no way a realistic or fair depiction of the world, Sorkin's is a world of black and white morality that pretends to dabble in the gray (but always veers back to a tidy conclusion).

Besides being moral and witty, the number one trait of a Sorkin character is selflessness. I have noticed that this makes me cry more than any other action depicted on screen. And I don't mean the selflessness of throwing oneself on a grenade or dying for what you believe in (not to be glib, but that is almost easier because you don't have to deal with anything after your sacrifice) but rather the every day little acts of decency that keep society from collapsing.

For an example of his worldview, in the pilot episode of Sports Night, most of the stories the team covers are about scandals and crime in professional sports. The episode ends with one of the anchors showing his son footage of a Nigerian man setting a sprinting record. The anchor just wants his son to see what sports can be at their best, triumphant and focused not so much on competition but human achievement. The rest of the series doesn't really hit that button again (it isn't a defense of sports week after week) but it sets the tone for all of Sorkin's TV work. That is to say, it is about acknowledging the harsh realities of the world but looking for the goodness in it.

I want to live in Sorkin's world, unless it is at Studio 60. Also, his best character on West Wing is named Josh, so...hurray for that!

Jumping on the Bandwagon

I know that moral relativism is meant to be a source of weakness in the modern world. By examining things from all sides, trying to empathize and sympathize, we find ourselves excusing the most horrific behavior. I didn't want to comment on the Zimmerman/Martin debacle until I could do a little research on the facts. Unlike lots of situations where it is difficult to find blame, this situation has one glaring error in judgment that led to a tragedy.

So, Trayvon was no stranger to trouble in school. He was suspended for truancy and was caught smoking pot. You know, teenage stuff. There is one weird incident from his history where he was found in possession of a bag of jewelry and a screwdriver. He claimed it was a gift from a friend (the jewelry) and no one ever reported any missing jewelry. The worst we can assume about Martin is that he was a typical teenager, looking to rebel a bit and probably kind of tired of being hassled by authority figures.

Zimmerman seems like a decent guy with some anger issues. He once pushed a cop when the officer was questioning a friend of his. An ex-girlfriend took out a restraining order on the grounds of domestic violence a few years before the incident in question. Maybe we paint with a broad stroke here and say he had some anger management issues. The community in which he lived was the site of some recent criminal activity. There were some burglaries and the perpetrators were African-American. Once, Zimmerman called the police as he saw one of the burglars casing a house but the police response was so slow, the suspect was long gone by the time the police arrived. The burglar was later caught and identified by Zimmerman as the man he had called about previously.

The back story of where he got his gun is also a little interesting. A wild pit bull had been terrorizing his neighborhood in 2009 and he called animal control multiple times (once after his wife was attacked by it). They advised him to get a gun because there was only so much they could do. A guy with anger management issues (maybe) is living in an area where he cannot count on the police to arrive in a timely manner and there had recently been a series of crimes committed by African Americans. Now, all this adds up to a state of heightened aggravation and aggression, I would imagine.

None of us know exactly what went on that night. Zimmerman was never tox screened, so we don't know if he had alcohol lowering his inhibitions or not. Let's assume not. The conditions I already laid out would be enough to make someone antsy. Martin goes to the corner store to grab a snack and is walking back home (or rather, to the home he and his father were visiting). Zimmerman sees a black youth and becomes suspicious, calling the police (so far, besides some mild paranoia, I can't see that Zimmerman is reacting all that strangely, given the circumstances). The 911 operator tells him not to follow Martin. Zimmerman says something about "these assholes always get away."

This is where I believe the real mistake of the whole thing comes in. While I understand why Zimmerman would not trust the police to arrive in a timely manner, Martin was not doing anything illegal. "Walking and looking around" is the worst Zimmerman accused him of in the 911 call. I understand why Zimmerman felt he needed to act but he should not have. He should have left it to the authorities. Now, if he had seen Martin scaling the side of a house to break in, sure, go to town. But this is a case of overreaction, pure and simple.

After Zimmerman hung up, about two minutes elapsed before the police arrived. Apparently shit went downhill fast. I am guessing Zimmerman confronted Martin, who had started running back towards his house when he noticed Zimmerman following him. Martin was about 40 yards from the house where he was staying when he was shot. Zimmerman had a busted nose and some cuts on the back of his head (and the back of his shirt was wet). This indicated that Martin did hit Zimmerman at some point, knocking him to the ground (which would explain the cuts). As my mom said, Zimmerman went looking for trouble and found it.

I could almost sock puppet the conversation. Frustrated home owner/neighborhood watch guy doesn't want to see another perp get away. He questions Martin, tells him to just wait for the police to arrive, maybe tries to physically restrain him when Martin tells him to piss off. Zimmerman grabbing, touching or restraining Martin would lead to a punch from Martin (which, in this situation might have been the only actual act of self-defense committed). Zimmerman feels threatened now, by this situation he himself has created, and shoots Martin dead.

When I was in grad school, we learned about the doctrine of equal force. Usually, that is the idea that you can only claim self-defense when you are as well-armed as your attacker. That means that, if you are attacked with a deadly weapon (and definitions of this vary) you can respond with a deadly weapon. If Martin was viciously beating Zimmerman (which we have no reason to believe) then Zimmerman was well within his rights to shoot in order to stop the beating. Couple this with the "Stand Your Ground" Law for a moment. That law states that you just have to feel threatened on your property to justify killing someone. Some states say you have to try to flee, and fail, before you can injure an attacker. In Florida, you don't have to try to flee and you don't actually have to be on your property.

So, within the confines of the law, even though he was in a situation of his own creation and he probably goaded Martin into punching him, Zimmerman was protected by the law. I think the first police chief was right not to arrest Zimmerman, because he knew the case wouldn't lead to a conviction. By the letter of the law in Florida, Zimmerman did nothing wrong. Is this justice? No. Is this morally right? Heck, no. Welcome to the U.S. justice system.

Now, maybe all my interpolations and hypotheticals are totally off base. Maybe Martin decided to go buy a snack before ransacking a neighbor's house and, knowing he was caught, tried to flee. Maybe Zimmerman heroically stopped Martin from getting away and was cold-cocked as a result. And maybe the ONLY way to stop this beast of a 17 year old from tearing him apart was by shooting him.

I think my original idea follows occam's razor a little more closely. There was an escalation that did not need to start. Martin shouldn't have punched Zimmerman, obviously. Zimmerman shouldn't have chased Martin and ultimately shot him. Although mistakes were made on both sides, I find Martin's to be the more excusable of the two. Either way, though, Zimmerman is technically not guilty under Florida law.

I don't think justice was served in this case but I don't think justice would have been locking up Zimmerman forever, either. I think the only way to make this a positive is to change the laws. Reform the stand your ground law to exclude protections for people who are playing vigilante out of frustration. Prevent future deaths and maybe this incident will have a redeeming aspect.

I am not convinced Zimmerman is a racist. I think he was acting on recent patterns of crime in his community. This gets into the same debate area as racial profiling. I still believe in "innocent until proven guilty" so I am not a fan of profiling. People who are in favor of it are usually the ones least likely to be the victim of it themselves. I think, on that night, in that situation, Zimmerman was making unfair assumptions about Martin based on his race. I don't feel comfortable hanging the label of racist on the man without actually knowing him.

All this being said, I don't understand people who think Zimmerman did nothing wrong. There are at least two to three instances of poor decision making on his part in this incident. Do people who support him think that Martin was actually committing a crime? If so, on what do they base this? I can see supporting Zimmerman's defense. I can't see supporting his actions that night. If there is info I am not aware of, or details I have omitted that you (dear reader) believe to be relevant, please share them with me. I would like to think I have a pretty open mind.

Conan O'Brien Could Stop

Tonight, after having worked out double to make up for my slackness this week, I sat down with some oven pizza and decided to watch Conan O'Brien Can't Stop. This movie has been in my queue since it was added to Netflix. Unfortunately for Conan, my attention span tops out at half an hour now (probably part of my clinical depression, but who's counting?). The first 15 minutes or so really spoke to me and I kicked myself for being late to the party.

Here is a nice guy (most of the time) who gave years of his life to a company and was then fired without a good cause. He talked about being angry and being in a "fuck it" period (both of which I am very aware of). Over the next fifteen minutes, we see him organizing an elaborate tour (which I got to see the end of in Atlanta). I stopped there but plan to finish it later. The early thesis of the film (which is not shocking as Conan gladly cops to it) is that he runs off of public adulation. Even in the writers room, he seems to get pissy if people don't find him funny. He talks about having an improv background and acting "as if." As if I deserve to be interviewing the president or playing guitar with Bruce Springsteen. So, it seems he has some neuroses and inferiority issues. And the definition of him not stopping seems to be him not stopping as an entertainer to feed these insecurities. That was where I started losing sympathy.

As I turned off the TV, I started thinking about the multi-million dollar settlement he got from NBC. They weren't so much taking food out of his children's mouths as taking away his outlet for public approval (which he had worked very hard for, don't get me wrong). It is hard to find inspiration in his tale because it seems mostly self-serving. The documentary was not made to be encouraging to unemployed people but I had started to read that into it myself. If he doesn't go on this tour, the worst that will happen is that no one will applaud him for six months. If I don't find a job, well, the worst can get pretty bleak.

I got angry with some of my unemployed friends because they found some jobs were beneath them. At the time, the length of their unemployment was such that I judged them to be ridiculous. But, after only a month, I am looking intently at gas station jobs and competing with high schoolers just to get some money going. I wonder if Conan would have just been shucking and jiving on a street corner if he couldn't have gone on tour? Anyway, I will finish the movie soon and provide an update if I change my mind about one of my favorite funny people's motivations.


UPDATE: Don't know who would see this since I won't publicize it but I finished the documentary tonight. I think I painted Conan a little too harshly in the first review. The arc of the documentary is about him finding out where his limits are. There is an incident with a pre-show party, the show and then the post-show meet and greet stuff that exhausts Conan. My sympathy was a bit limited in that he was living out a "be careful what you wish for" scenario. There was even a nice prophetic bit in his comedy about "blaming everyone around him" when he lost his show. As the tour drags on, he focuses his anger on his producer, Jeff Ross, and blames him for allowing signing Conan up for all these events and shows he asked for in the first place.

The whole thing doesn't paint Conan in too flattering a light. There is one scene with Jack McBreyer where Conan just mocks him relentlessly in front of John Hamm for what seems like an eternity. We are never given the release of a wink from McBreyer, who seems genuinely hurt by the treatment. I got the feeling it was all in good fun but it looked a lot like picking on someone for no reason.

At one point Conan says (of himself), "I am a genius!...or the world's biggest dick...probably both." That should be the tagline of the movie.

Made it to 13k

There are two different days alive calculators on the internet and one says today is my 13,000th day alive while the other says that will be tomorrow. Not sure which is right, no desire to do the math. But it occurs to me, wouldn't K days make more sense to celebrate than birthdays, for adults anyway?

Patton Oswalt has a funny bit about birthdays...

He is right that adult birthdays seem strange sometimes. It is one of the few things you do the exact same way whether you are 2 years old or 39. Maybe a little more booze when you are 39.

Still, to celebrate every 1,000 days would be a celebration once every 2.7 years or so. And by then, wouldn't it be great to have a blowout? Maybe I will insist on my friends only recognizing my Kdays. So, the next time someone has to get me a gift will be sometime in 2016. Unless you count Christmas.

So, what have I learned over 13,000 days?

1) Money matters. It is unfortunate but those with money have less pressing worries than those without. Yes, the physical effect on your body might be the same whether you are fretting over the new car being the wrong color or worrying about how you will feed your children next month but one is obviously less of a real problem. I have been on a pendulum between poor and middle class my whole life so I have seen it from both sides. Let me tell you, the side with the money is way more fun to be on. There are lots of cool things to go do and experience in the world, but most require money to access. I am not saying capitalism is evil (although it can certainly lead to evil) or that money is the cause of all problems but I am saying that, as our society currently stands, it is better to have money than not.

2) Looks matter. Now, there is a wide range of acceptable good looks in the world. I don't think there is even a celebrity who everyone can agree is beautiful. But everyone falls somewhere on a bell curve. I am near one of the outlier ends (a good 2+ standard deviations away from...say, Brad Pitt). When I am thin (usually due to a self-imposed eating disorder) I move much closer to the center and get all sorts of positive attention. Now, one way to look at this is McDonalds versus a boutique eatery that only serves bacon pancakes. Most people love to eat McDonalds (except me) and very few people have heard of "Captain McGinty's Baconcake Factory" (because I just made it up). However, those who know about McGinty's really love it for what it has to offer, not because it is homogeneously attractive to their appetites. So, you could say that people who find me attractive are in a more niche market. Still, like money, being good looking opens doors to you that being a fugster doesn't.

3) Art is hard. Most people are not born innately talented at the arts. There are some prodigies, sure. But most producers of music, literature, movies, visual arts and dance have to learn their craft. They have to practice and fail and practice and fail some more. They have to have dedication and conviction in their visions. My friends who produce art of any kind astound me because, even if it is only half decent, it represents hours upon hours of practice and refinement. Hats off to the artists of the world.

4) A person is awesome, people are stupid. Lately, I have finally figured out why I am a misanthrope but I usually get along with just about everyone I meet. It occurred to me while writing an aborted political article that, when people aggregate, they lose personal responsibility and accountability. Like lynch mobs and rioters, people as a whole are venal, violent, stubborn and hateful. If you took any group of horrible people (even the Nazis, I bet) and spoke to them one at a time, you might find some rough edges here and there but most would be perfectly nice people. Adding people together seems to amplify our worst natures and suppress our rational sides. That is why I love people but hate them.

5) Always be learning. Take an interest in something and read about it. For me, I still like to read up on science. It has no practical application in my life but it works out the muscle of "Really? I did not know that." That muscle gets disused over time.

6) Lots of people don't know how to talk to other people. I have no idea why this is but 90% of people I meet who are my age or younger are horrible at conversations. People mostly just want to talk about themselves. And I enjoy listening to other people talk but, every now and then it is good to hear a question. It lets you know the other person gives a shit about you. Most people don't ask questions anymore. I find that infuriating.

7) I love the ocean. Nothing more deep than that. It relaxes me to look at it, be near it, feel an ocean breeze or smell the salt water. Yep, ocean guy.

8) There is no such thing as a bad character, just bad writers. This mostly applies to comics where a character can end up written by hundreds of different people over his or her lifespan. Characters I thought were useless can be brought to life with a new writer. I guess, to apply this to life I would say, be open to collaboration or other people's ideas.

9) There is no justice. This is probably upsetting to people who believe in an active, benevolent God but I have come to the conclusion that there is no order to the universe beyond natural laws. Good things and bad things happen to good people and bad people. Try to be good all you want, you will still get cancer. Screw people over and be a shitbag, you can still win the lottery. There is no one keeping score, no one keeping track of your deeds. Be good because it is the right thing to do, not for a reward.

10) Pop culture will leave you behind, too. It happens to everyone who wants to lead at least a semi-productive life. Things you love will be old-fashioned and things the generation behind you love will seem aggravating and stupid. What is popular will one day be defined by "whatever you are not." It is exhausting to me, at my still-relatively young age, to seek out new music I like or discover new authors. When you find something new you love, it is totally worth it but the search gets harder every year.

11) Bad food tastes good. Ask Captain McGinty, he knows the secret to delicious is salt and sugar. Salted meats taste divine. Chocolates are delicious. Carrots? Meh. Dip em in some ranch! Cucumbers? Gag me. Make them into pickles! I don't know, maybe you can train your mouth to water at a turnip as if it was a slice of cheesy pizza but it takes more willpower than I have.

12) People change. I have friends from my childhood who I dream about on a regular basis. One in particular was my very best friend for over ten years and we aren't even facebook friends anymore. I don't feel like I changed that much but she certainly did. If only because she stopped talking to me and letting me know how she was thinking about things. I miss her very much, but the her I miss is someone who no longer exists. I probably wouldn't even know her now. So, if you can find someone to be your friend forever, cherish that. It is rare.

13) Experience is just as important as information. When I was a kid, I put premium emphasis on school work. I wanted to make As and know as much as I could. I didn't drink, do drugs, party or even really have much sex (probably more than I should have been and certainly not as much as I wanted). Of all my fond memories of high school, none of them come from class. They come from spending time with my friends, having adventures, fucking things up and working our way out of trouble. Knowledge without application is, in my experience, useless. Experience without some knowledge to guide it is dangerous. Learn and live, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

So, I learned one thing every 1,000 days, sounds about right. This won't be my last entry. I'm not feeling as despondent as I did this time last week. I do miss the good stuff about life but I have faith I will get to experience some of them again. I love my friends and parents. Here is to 13,000 more spins.

4 New Comic Book Ideas (and other junk)

One of my personal growth challenges for the past month was "Come up with 4 comic book ideas and outline them." To give you some idea of where this is going, I am also going to outline some novels, short stories and screenplays in the next few months so that I can work on something every day without getting burned out on any one project (which I tend to do). Keep those balls in the air!

So, here are my rough ideas, please tell me what you think and if you would buy them. Of course, it would be relatively easy to come up with four superhero ideas so my challenge included the stipulation to think of four genres. I picked superhero, crime, slice-of-life and science fiction.

1) Inspired by the darkening of Superman in the Man of Steel movie, I started to think about the life course of morality in regards to superheroes. This is the most ambitious project of four and the easiest to break into smaller parts. I learned a lesson from my Damocles Fugue 20 part beast of a story, I can probably raise enough to print 2 issues at a time but never 20 in a row. The good thing about this series is that each arc is only two issues.

The core concept is that I am following 10 years in the life of one superhero. Every two issues is a single adventure from one year of the hero's life. But, the underlying idea is that each arc also represents a certain span in the history of comics. Like, the first two issues will be dawn of comics and have a super pulpy feel. The other good thing is that I can change artists every two issues if I need to. As each adventure takes place in a different time period, costumes and the overall look can change. There will be an actual story as well connecting all the thematic elements (there will be recurring villains and other heroes who also change over time). I know meta-commentary about comic books is old hat but I want to bring a fresh spin to it while presenting stories that are entertaining on their own.

2) The crime comic is a four issue series that helps me work out my complicated plotting jones. Heavily inspired by Ed Brubaker, Tarantino and a little Greg Rucka I love the idea of wheels within wheels when it comes to crime drama. We will follow Tommy Fuckup (not his Christian name) as he takes part in a robbery that goes really badly. As he tries to find out why, he begins to get the feeling it was never meant to go well. So, a little like Reservoir Dogs but if only one guy got away. There are a few twists I think will be surprising and cool. Plus, I just love the name Tommy Fuckup for our hero.

3) For the slice-of-life comic, I agonized for a while. I keep thinking of stories like Blankets or Harvey Pekar stuff and I was trying to figure out how to tell a story that means something to me. I realized I had already written a short story called "Five Movies" a few years ago that depicted a very rough time in my life. So, I decided to adapt that into a graphic novel. For those who haven't read my story, it is about the beginning and end of a romance from the point of view of a movie buff. Now, I just have to find the right artist.

4) I think this one has the best origin story. I was looking through a website called guru that hooks up creative people with people looking to pay creative people for creative work. Of course, the offered payments are super low. There was one that wanted to pay $150 total in exchange for four 10,000+ word science fiction stories to be used without giving any credit to the author. I thought, shit, if I am going to write that much, I want credit. But it got me thinking about making a science fiction world.

I stalled out on the reading of Dune (even though I was enjoying it immensely) but it and John Ostrander's Grimjack comic have both been two amazing works of fiction I have enjoyed this year. I also have a ton I want to say about politics and class warfare that just comes across as preachy if it isn't buried under some metaphor. The job posting asked for a Vonnegut feel and a distopian setting so I stayed up all night long and created an entire world in my head.

The general idea is that there has been an entirely preventable disaster that has ruined the world. Through the medium of television, large swaths of the population have been altered. There are a bunch of distinct groups running around the U.S. wasteland. There are the people who controlled the television broadcasts, living like kings in protected cities. There are the Conscripted Consumers, who serve those in the cities; the Corrupted Consumers, those who willingly serve the ruling class without having been exposed to the alterations; the Cannibal Consumers, these guys reacted badly to the alterations and grew uncontrollable (think the reavers from Firefly); the Watchers, an ironic name for a band who put out their own eyes when they suspected they were being altered and are now kind of religious zealots; Scroungers, peaceful nomadic folk who roam from city to city living off the refuse of those inside; and finally the Scavengers, sort of robin hood/pirate types who rob supply caravans or any city dweller who ventures outside the safety of their walls. Our hero will be a scavenger who gets tangled up in a messy plot that brings him into contact with all the various groups over the course of four issues. Lots of swash to be buckled and adventure to be had. And, if it succeeds, many more stories that can be told.

Well, there are my ideas. Starting next week, I begin working on screenplay ideas.

In other news, it looks as if, barring a miracle, I will be returning to Greenville. I know my friends and family are excited. I really was making a life for myself here, slowly but surely. It would have been pretty cool. Oh well.

Just in case you haven't heard this work of genius yet...

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An odd burst of optimism, see where it leads...

Hope

I don't know why I don't take solace in other people. Maybe because I know there is nothing anyone can assure me of that will make a difference in my life or with my problems. This isn't anyone's fault, just the nature of things. "It will all work out for the best" or "You'll land on your feet" are based on nothing but faith that good things may happen to ok people (I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a good person, average at best). I don't believe in higher agency or guiding forces in the universe so I am left with just the random happenstances of life.

Those of you who have been reading these blogs know I have had suicide on my mind. As of last night even, I was 100% sure this would be my last week alive. Why this week? I will have been alive 13,000 days by the end of this week. That, is not a small number. And, like most humans, I like being dramatic and picking nice, round numbers to do horrible things. I had (have?) my method all picked out and even figured out how to post these blogs on a time delay to get my last entry out as my life is ending. Morbid, huh?

Don't mind me, just hangin' around.

This evening, stretching into tonight, I have started a change of heart. This is going to sound so stupid when I say it (especially since the love and support of my friends and family do nothing to move me anymore) but I have been reading a lot of comics lately. Say what you will about silly superhero comics but the best of them are written to appeal to the best in us. Today I have been rereading Blackest Night (a big crossover event I was pretty disappointed in the first time around). It is essentially a zombie story set in the DC universe. I have also been doing a lot with my Heroclix database. In the back of my mind, I have been thinking about what I have versus what I want.

It turns out the only way to fight death in the Blackest Night is to combine all these forces on the emotional spectrum into the "white light of creation." This is all centered around the Green Lantern comics. Right before Blackest Night, they introduced the Blue Lanterns. Blue is my favorite color and these lanterns represent Hope (their symbol is at the top of this entry). My former friend, Jay, used to wear their t-shirt all the time (btw, I miss that guy quite often). I have been thinking about how I have no love, no money, no job, no home, no car, no advantages beyond being a white guy (and I think I've milked that as far as I can) but I can't honestly say I have no Hope. Thinking about the amount of debt I am creating is causing this crippling fear in me. I see a rerun of the last ten years of my life as I sacrificed and scraped and clawed my way out of debt. And I think about all the shitty times I had doing that but...I have made some of my best friends in those years. I got to be in love again, however briefly, which was actually quite nice. Yes, I had to starve myself thin to get a girl's attention but I am making moves that should return me to a presentable shape sooner or later. Why would I be sticking to my diet and exercise routine or trying not to spend if I really, deep down, expected to be dead by Friday?

There is still a part of me that believes things might get better. It is probably the same stupid part that believes in true love but it is still there. See, I never idolized athletes growing up. I never had older or younger siblings to look up to. My closest friends were all outcasts and geeks like me (I am talking pre-high school here). I never had religion and I have no concept of family. I had comics. I had Spider-Man trapped under a ton of rubble and refusing to lay down and die. I had Thor, cursed with brittle bones, slowly moving through a world of agony but refusing to surrender. The list goes on and on. When I was reading comics, the heroes suffered but never gave up. They lost their lives sometimes but for noble reasons.

Seriously, I read this when I was five years old, how can I not believe in myself?

I was reading pro-suicide quotes and a comedian named Doug Stanhope once said, "If you are halfway through a movie and it has just been shitty and keeps getting shittier, the odds are it isn't going to have such a great ending that the makes the whole thing worthwhile. No one would blame you for getting up and leaving." That quote made sense to me but then I realized, I can't remember ever walking out of a movie no matter how bad it is. Maybe I am naive, foolish, probably dangerously stupid about life but I have to believe I can change my life.

I didn't even walk out of this piece of shit, my least favorite movie of all time.

Besides the debt, this is a time of absolute freedom. I have no wife, no children, no job, no responsibilities. I can go wherever, do whatever, be whatever I want. My friends have offered me places to stay around Greenville. Maybe I do a little tour (couple of weeks here, couple of weeks there), maybe I write more, stick to my exercise program, find some shitty little temp job to get me by and then...go live my life. I have always told people while I am in my darkest depressions that it seems like I have been waiting for my life to start. At 13,000 days, 35 years of being on Earth...maybe I can make that happen.

Now someone remind me of this shit next time I plan to off myself.

My plan is now to kick, fight, punch and scream until I find a job. I want to salvage this year in KC. I want to do more improv with these great people I have met. I don't want to move back home yet but I won't consider it the end of the world if I do. That highly overrated movie The Shawshank Redemption has one line I like, "Get busy living or get busy dying." I have been very busy dying but I really want to live.


BONUS story: My house is infested with gnats. I keep thinking of Brad Pitt calling Nazis "Gnatzis" in Inglorious Basterds. The other night, at an improv show, they were doing a game with good advice, bad advice, worse advice. I asked the panel about my gnat problem. One of them had a character that was a former Soviet Assassin. He told me to sneak up behind them and cut their throats with tiny knives. A few days later, my year-long trivia contest led me to ask about the Night of Long Knives when Hitler killed his enemies. So, lately, when I take my can of Raid and spray down a nest of Gnatzis, I call it The Night of the Tiny Knives. Yes, I am making inside jokes with myself...this is the face of loneliness people!

Gonna need us a smaller knife.

Jukebox In My Mind II: Die Harder

These are songs that have been kicking around me old noggin'.

Reunion- Life is a Rock (but the Radio Rolled Me)- This is one of those We Didn't Start the Fires style list songs. When I was a kid McDonalds had this McDonald's rap that came on a cheap cut out vinyl and it was basically...wait, let me see if I can find it...

Yes! Thank you internet for having every useless piece of shit ever! Anyway, that was the song I studied until I could do the whole thing from memory. I don't know why these list songs have always appealed to me, but lists in general always have. Go figure.

Don't know why but Cake's Short Skirt/Long Jacket has been stuck in my head this week. The real video is annoying because people are talking over the song so here is just the audio.

I was maybe wrong about this album not having any good songs. It has a couple and the rest are very listenable but nothing major. Definitely still my least favorite Strokes album. But I like this song called Happy Ending.

I have also been badmouthing the new Generationals album but anything with a song like this on it can't be all bad. This song is called I Used to Let You Get to Me. If the rest of the album was like this, it would be an automatic favorite of the year but the rest of the songs seem to intentionally avoid hooks.

The most obvious song for a single from my album I would place as one of my favorites so far this year. These guys picked up where MGMT left off but seem to be slightly more consistent, IMHO.

Although I don't love the way this song ends, the first half of it just breaks my heart. This is the Hold Steady with First Night.

Another one that reared back up from nowhere. I don't know how this clawed its way up from the recesses of my memory but here is Soul Coughing with Circles.

Say what you will about Phil Collins (and I have said quite a bit) but he could make some catchy music back in the day. That's All is by Genesis.

Finally, there is this Jayhawks song, which has been stuck in my head since I played it on one of my Grooveshark radio shows.

That is my mind jukebox for now...enjoy?