The Fortress abandoned

I haven't written here in awhile. Writing here was taking away from time I could be writing my novel in November. Now that the novel is done (first draft, anyway), I want to write at least one more soul-bearing entry here.

Anyone who has spoken to me about weighty issues knows I have struggled with the idea of the God-shaped hole for years. This is the idea that we all have an emptiness inside ourselves that can only be filled by God. People fill it with drugs, alcohol, over eating, etc. Well, for various reasons, God doesn't fit in the God-shaped hole so I have been struggling with just what it will take for me to be happy with myself.

Lately, I have come to the conclusion that I have too much love. When I focus it on one woman, it is just suffocating, stifling and unpleasant for her. And I'm not talking about sex here, I mean emotional attention, full blast. I've started volunteering more and trying to let my friends know more how much I love and care for them. This helps alleviate the excess love I have built up. Once I get my body to a place I am happy with, I think I will finally be able to think about dating again. I think I am finally in a place to offer strong, solid support without being needy and desperate.

The other thing I am focusing on is presence. This sounds totally cheese ball but it works for me. The past got me to where I am right now, which is pretty content. So, I try to take a moment each day and gratefully acknowledge all the good and bad things that led me here. The hard part is letting go of the future. I live there most of the time.

I hate bad surprises. I mean, more than most. I can anticipate most of the ways things can go wrong and be ready for them. When life throws me something I absolutely wasn't expecting, I fall to shit for a little while. This is because it is a terrible shock to me when I am reminded I'm not that smart. So, to avoid bad surprises, I dwell on possible future permutations and outcomes. I am trying to let that go. It is the hardest thing besides changing my diet that I can imagine.

I am focusing on the Buddhist ideals I read about last year, letting go of hope and fear to live in the present. I am trying to be more mindful but it is an uphill struggle. I am already thinking about certain friends of mine reading this and what their reactions will be. Giving up the future is going to be tough but, I think, the healthiest move I can make. Besides, what really matters except right now?

I hope everyone reading this finds a way to improve your life in the coming year or a way to appreciate your life if it doesn't need improvement. I don't know a single person without potential for greatness in them. Next year, I'm leaving the Fortress of Solitude and joining the world.