Failure

I am writing tonight from a place of failure but not of depression (I mean, no more so than my usual baseline sadness). My cousin reminded me that this is the last weekend of July. You would think I would be acutely aware of that fact but I was somehow in a kind of dazed dreamland about it.

OK, not so much a dreamland but definitely a daze. Long time readers of this blog will probably not believe me when I say that what happened over the past week and a half was not a suicide attempt but rather good, old-fashioned stupidity. You may recall me writing about my gnat problem. I was getting very sick of having gnats all over my room, buzzing my ear, littering my furniture and walls with their tiny corpses. So, I went to the store and purchased a Hot Shot No Pest Strip. I thought it was one of those things you hang (and you can hang this) and flies get stuck to it. The container said it was odor free, for use indoors, etc. I read the warnings, I swear to god I did. I remember it saying to not leave the device where pets or kids could get to it (check). It said not to install it in a room where food is prepared or stored (fine). What I don't recall reading was the warning that said not to store the device in a room that is inhabited by humans more than 4 hours a day.

I had this thing in my room for over a week and a half. Plus, I have barely left my room for a week and a half. I have been getting runny noses and headaches, which I thought were allergies but I hadn't been outside. When I woke up gasping to breathe a couple of night ago, I realized something was wrong beyond the norm. I decided to do some online research and realized I had been poisoning myself with an odorless vapor for over a week. I immediately moved the contraption (I left the one I bought for the bathroom because I am not in there more than 4 hours a day no matter what some of my exes may tell you) into the garage/laundry room. The gnats are back in my room but at least I am starting to breathe easier again.

If you hear about my lungs collapsing into a bloody paste or my head swelling and popping, just know that this was not a conscious attempt on my own life.

So back to the failure. I can't believe July has come and gone with no success at finding a job. I have had all of two (2) interviews since being fired. I have applied to dozens of security firms, investigation firms, law firms, comic book companies, temp agencies, staffing firms, video stores, gas stations, multi-national conglomerates and even put out a few escort ads on Backpages.  I have earned not a cent since June 5th. I even narrowly missed winning $40 in a trivia contest last weekend.

Moving back in with my parents at the age of 28 was very depressing. Moving back in with them at the age of 35 I have to ask what the fuck am I doing with my life? I have failed at becoming an adult. I mean, I surround myself with objects of my adolescence (comics, videogames, DVDs, etc.) because they bring me comfort but I also wonder if they don't hold me back. I haven't found a mate yet, and ignoring loneliness for a second, it would be useful to have someone to share the bills with and back me up. I haven't had kids yet, thank god, but having someone else's  life in my hands would maybe motivate me more to go find any old job. If I had a kid, I could see myself flipping burgers again to make sure that kid gets what it needs. The only person I have to keep alive is me, and I don't even like me all that much. I don't have a career, security or a house to call my own. No savings, no plans, no potential. I swear, I am not down as I usually am when I write this (I am in a pretty decent mood actually) I just realistically have failed in just about every category in which a man can fail.

The most frustrating thing is, I don't actually think it was  mistake to move here. I could see myself making a really cool life here with a decent income. I was already becoming active in the improv community. Besides Megan, my pre-friend, who I have had some really great times with here, I had made friends with Dale and Tim and John and Sarah and a bunch of other people I enjoy hanging out with. I can see myself getting active in the comic community (organizing it like I did in Greenville). I can see myself getting in shape and writing more. I really wanted this opportunity away from Greenville to get my life together. You know how you avoid your high school reunion until you have something to be proud of? That was my plan for returning home. When I moved back to Greenville it would be as a happy, successful, relatively contented human. Instead, I return in disgrace and failure.

I, of course, am looking forward to spending time with my wonderful friends again. I have missed Kirby, Kells, Jack, John, Aubrey, James, Lily, Adam, Shawn, Brendan, Evan, Richard, Max, Beth, Amanda, Marcus, Madison, Betsy, Joe and probably a dozen other folks I am currently forgetting. But I don't know how I am going to face them. I hate being an object of pity but that seems to be the feeling I encourage most in people right now. If you read this and you have a hard time getting to see me when I get back in town, please know it isn't anything to do with you guys I consider my friends. I am going to need some time to adjust to being a bit of a loser. So please have patience with me and I guess I will be seeing you Greenvillians soon enough.

If any of my KC people read this, I really wish we could have hung out more. As a white male in the US, I am not used to failure so please excuse the whining nature of this post. And if anyone has any ideas for a next move, I am all ears.