I am still kind of numb, in a state of shock, no doubt. A friend of mine says she gets anxiety attacks when she thinks of making a bad grade because she sees a chain reaction of failure that eats away her entire life. She said people laugh at her for thinking that way but I knew exactly how she felt. I have always tried to look at things from as many angles as possible. Almost to the point of paralysis, I want to refrain from making choices until I have weighed all the pros and cons.
When I decided to move to Kansas City, it was because Greenville had become suffocating. Too many bad memories and too many people who know my name. I wanted to vanish and start over. When I decided to come out here, I was debt free and gainfully employed. I considered just about every downside I could and the one risk I took was packing and moving in such a short time frame.
When I got someone to take over my lease within a couple of days of opening up the house, I felt relieved. I got my company to cover moving expenses (to a degree). My mother and I drove out to Kansas City two weeks before my move and found a house for me to live in. Everything seemed to be working out.
My mistake, my mistake I always make, was procrastination. I didn't really understand the scope of the packing I had to do until it was time for it to be done. I had a date the new tenants were moving in, a date the moving company would be there for my stuff...I knew when it all had to be done and yet I waited. The final 48 hours I was in Greenville was a mad rush of throwing things away, packing up other things and making decisions to intentionally "forget" certain items, leaving them for the new occupants. It was in that rush that I either packed or threw away a little credit card sized ID with my picture on it.
This was a PIV card, a government-issued form of identification. I had owned one for three years and never been called upon to use it. To say it was unimportant to me would be an understatement. So, thinking nothing of it, I moved to KC to start my new life. I immediately found out, this card is vital to getting into a variety of government facilities in Missouri and Kansas. And I didn't know where it was. I tore my new house apart. I drove home one weekend and tore my storage unit apart. I couldn't find that damn card anywhere.
It was time to face the consequences. I told my boss. It triggered and automatic two week suspension and a $500 fine. They took the entire fine out of my next paycheck, halving it. I didn't receive the paycheck after that because of the two weeks of unpaid suspension. If you are reading this, you know the story. What you may not know is that, after taxes, my company's help with the moving expenses came to about half of what I owed the moving company. I had to put about $2000 on my credit card. Not a problem, right? I can pay my way out of that in no time. Then, the first and last months rent to secure the house, that was on credit, another $1200. Then, the bills start coming in. The final bills for Greenville, the first bills for KC. I can pay all those out of my checking but, that leaves me no money for food. I prepaid for concerts before I ever moved here but, I'll admit, before my suspension, I spent more than I should have going out and getting to know this new city. Now, after a month of not getting paid, my debt is up to $8000. Mostly due to my lack of income. And, driving back and forth to Greenville 80 times required a lot of hotel stays (also on my credit card).
So, I took my lumps, got my financial hit but I still had my job, right? Not so fast. On the most recent drive back to Greenville, I crashed my company car. Totaled the damn thing. Hydroplaning. I wasn't speeding or texting or talking on the phone but they are making a case against me that I am a high risk driver. I am waiting to hear if they will let me drive again in six months or never. Either way, I am probably out of a job. There is a slim hope, which is the only reason I haven't thrown in the towel yet. Because, if I lose this job, I have to repay the moving expenses (another $3800) and, of course, I owe the next 10 months of this lease (another $6000). This puts me back up to the amount of debt I had when I had to move back in with my parents, take out a loan from my uncle and be fucking miserable for a couple of years to get free of the debt.
Now, one mistake (waiting too long to pack) has cost me everything I have worked for in the past 8 years. I have no wife, no kids, no job, no car, no house, massive debt and I am roughly the size of a goddamn dump truck. If anyone can give me a reason to keep on living, I would love to hear it.
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