This is that certain time of night. This is that time where it feels like my room is a little raft adrift on a dark ocean. No one I know is awake. And when I say that, I mean, no one I can talk to. It felt the same in Greenville, it feels the same here. If I fall asleep soon I may be able to wake up in time to go do improv (with money I don't have) at noon tomorrow, try to make more friends. Or I could go see Star Trek by myself. Or visit comic book stores in Kansas. Whatever I am doing tomorrow, I am doing alone. Same goes for Sunday and the day after and the day after that. I get so jealous of my friends who have someone special, I get mad at them sometimes. I found out today that the only co-worker I've ever thought I could be friends with left her husband. She never sounded that enthusiastic when she would talk about him so I guess she is doing the right thing. I have often said I would rather die alone than live with the wrong person. Looks like I am going to get my wish.
Before she kind of went batshit, a former friend of mine would get angry with me for not speaking to her regularly. I told her it was all the same old complaints, the same old depression. Nothing new was happening for me and I didn't want to share my life. Of course, it was a selfish position, because maybe she had something she wanted to share. Moving out here should be a big new adventure. I should be excited. All I can think about is Blade Runner, Synecdoche NY and all the movies that tell me how unique and precious life is...and how empty it can feel when you're alone.
My friend Jake is going through some depression right now (chronic, like mine). I want to tell him it gets better, but it really doesn't. Every day I say "I wish I was dead." In fact, here is a nice confession...the night before I wrecked my car a couple of weeks ago, the rain had been coming down all day. I had skidded a couple of times but never full on hydroplaned. The thought went through my head somewhere in Illinois, "What if I just jerked the wheel, flipped the car, crashed...no one would know I did it on purpose. They would think I just had an accident. These things happen." The main thing that stopped me from giving that thought more credence was that I could have hurt someone else. If I was responsible for hurting another driver with my selfish act of destruction, that would be horrible. I was appalled when I did actually lose control hours later and there was a car behind me. I had no way to warn them off or wave them back. The first thing I said when I was pulled from the wreckage was "Are you guys alright?" to the other driver who had stopped to help me. Another shameful confession is, I was angry that next week. I was angry that I didn't get hurt or die. I was pretty much unscathed. All I could think was, "I missed a really good opportunity there."
Well, that is a little venom bled out on the page for you. This is for anyone who happens to check here. I am not going to link to it. Don't worry about me killing myself, if you are reading this. I am too chickenshit to actually hurt myself on purpose. As dark as it gets, as hopeless as I feel...there is, somewhere in me, that stupid goofy younger man who believed in true love and adventure and that life can be happy. Until I can shut his ass up, I'm not going anywhere.
Next time, I'll talk about rainbows and puppies and clowns who fart unicorns or something.
Finding a life-partner doesn't make everything better. If you are discontent, bored, etc. single, chances are you would be with a wife as well. Only, you'd have to listen to her complain about her own discontent also.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of adventures out there I would love to do, I am just tired of doing them alone. And I would kill to have someone else's complaints rattling around in my head rather than my own. Hopefully, those complaints wouldn't be about me and our lifestyle (I mean, if they are, why is she with me to begin with?). Things are just more fun when you have someone to share them with. When you are with someone else you can choose to do things alone. When you are alone you don't have a choice. I'm not naive enough to believe that having a partner will end my problems, it is just that problems are easier to face alongside someone you love.
ReplyDeleteYou're both right.
ReplyDeleteJosh, I hope you can find a way to combine your pain with your drive to create. The most compelling works or art, literature and music (in my opinion) plumb the depths of human experience. I know you have a lot to contribute and I can't wait to hear or read about your upcoming projects.
Thanks for sharing.