Post Show Blues

This is one of those "only if you can find it" posts. It is all about the weird, hollow feeling I got after I left the improv show tonight. Before the show, I was back in the green room, talking with my teammates. Mike, a guy who never showed up for class, bowed out at the last minute, leaving us down to seven. There is Claire, Dale, John, Brigid, Jeff, Christian and me. Tim had me in 80% of the show, which I took as a vote of confidence. My favorite bit I did was with Dale. We were playing a game called "Understudy" where Dale and I acted out a scene. Usually, in practice, Tim makes the other person leave and then I have to lead that person's understudy through the scene, prompting them to say certain lines or do certain actions. Tonight, Tim sat me down and made Dale do the explaining, which came as quite a shock to all of us. At any rate, the scene that Dale and I played was from a play called Midnight Murder in the Ladies' Restroom. I played an inspector being aided in my investigation by Dale, who was clearly the killer. I remained oblivious and we got in some great banter.

We all took seats in the crowd after our bit was over. We watched the Level 3 guys do a pretty decent job (long form has a way of just bogging down and repeating itself if the players aren't careful). We had the advantage of playing short form games that come in, punch and get out.

When the house lights came up for intermission, we were all finally able to see who came to see us. Now, I only know two people in Kansas City outside of Improv. One is Megan (who was in my first Improv group) and one is Kahla (the cute comic shop girl).  I invited them both (and Kahla's boyfriend) but they weren't there. Everyone else had friends, significant others, relatives or just well-wishers in attendance. After the second act (which was a freaking incredible musical improv show that featured my teacher and some other folks), everyone wanted to be with their families and loved ones to celebrate. I just didn't have anyone to talk to, really. I said my goodbyes and left. As I drove home, the adrenaline rush of the evening was gone and all that was left was this hollow feeling I always get when I accomplish something and no one gives a shit.

I am, in no way saying that Megan or Kahla should have been there (in fact, I think I scared Kahla off the other night by asking too many questions). They are under no obligations to me. And I know, if I had performed in Greenville, I would have been swamped with friends. Even in South Carolina, though, there would have come the time when everyone went home with their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives and I would be left alone.

I saw a picture of myself on stage tonight. My first thought was, "Shit, I am perfectly spherical." No wonder no one wants anything to do with me, romantically. Again, my exercise and diet routine is going to take time and I know this but the bitterness grows anyway.

Why I Am Not Seeing the New Superman Movie

Besides being broke, there is a specific reason I am not going to see the new Superman movie. This post will involve spoilers for a movie I have not seen so, be warned.

I read somewhere, and it may be totally spurious, that Superman is the second most recognizable fictional character of all time. I guess your image of Superman really depends on when you grew up. If you are somehow reading this and grew up in the 40s, I am guessing you have seen Superman through a variety of changes so nothing is very shocking about the character changing anymore. I was a child of the 80s. All of our depictions of Superman were informed by our parents' generation. The first movie came out when I was 1. I think I saw Superman 3 in the movie theater. Anyway, there is one basic character trait for Superman...he doesn't kill.

There are heroes who do kill (most of them rose to popularity in the late 80s and early 90s). I have no problem with Wolverine slicing and dicing or Punisher blowing people up, that is who they are. Batman and Superman don't kill. Also, their own safety is secondary to making sure all innocent bystanders are safe. In addition, Batman doesn't use guns. There have been plenty of deconstructions of these characters who do kill easily and without remorse. Apollo and the Midnighter are two characters from the Authority series who (besides being lovers) are most differentiated from Superman and Batman by their ruthless tactics.

The only pic I could find without the two of them making out.

I have been reading a lot of comic fan reactions to the movie and they kind of go out of their way to excuse the bloodshed. By the way, to make things unambiguous, in Man of Steel, Superman kills his enemy and their fights demolish large chunks of Metropolis. Some have excused the destruction of Metropolis with the old comic book logic of "those buildings were empty." I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if an entire city could have been evacuated before Supes starts his final throwdown but the character I love would immediately move the fight somewhere less dangerous for bystanders.

You might ask, what are you basing this on? Has Superman never killed in comics?

Firstly, he probably did kill some people in the Golden Age. Back when Batman used a gun and just straight up shot motherfuckers, Superman was known to toss a bad guy into the air where his landing would have no doubt exploded him. These are not the popular conceptions of these characters. Yes, characters change and grow over time. It is true that Superman used to be vaguely socialist in his politics but those days were short. For the bulk of his history, Superman has had a strict "no killing" policy. Just like his famous "S" logo wasn't the same when he started and Captain America's shield wasn't round, characters change and then those changes stick.

And some don't...I miss you, hook-hand Aquaman...

Now, some of you may know that Superman is published by DC comics. In the early 1980s, the company decided that their continuity was too complex and that was why they were losing readers (rather than, oh, say, the rise of home videogames). So, they decided to "reboot" the DC universe with Crisis on Infinite Earths. Like the birth of Jesus, most comic fans divide the DC timeline between Pre-Crisis (BC) and Post-Crisis (AD). Pre-Crisis, Superman's morality was set in stone. See, in order to survive from the Golden Age to today uninterrupted, Superman had to bow to the Comics Code Authority in the 1950s. This was like a ratings board that deemed content safe for children to read. After World War 2, comic heroes stopped killing (hell, stopped their violence almost altogether). Superman would outsmart a bad guy or maybe wrap him in a pipe or something but he could only let lose on robots or aliens. Even then, not so much with the fisticuffs.

For a big chunk of Superman's career, he was almost a pacifist. Once the Comics Code started relaxing a little bit in the 1970s, Superman was held apart from newer heroes by the fact that represented this Silver Age morality. Pre-Crisis, you would only catch Superman killing in an "imaginary story" if even then. In fact, it wasn't really even needed because villains rarely killed anyone either.

Although some surely deserved to die.

I don't think I am going out on too big a limb here to say that from the Silver Age through Crisis Superman was pretty locked in as a non-killer. About 30 years of his history (at that point) dominated by the lack of murder makes it a pretty compelling character trait but there is more.

Post-Crisis, new writers and artists were allowed to reshape Superman's history. In fact, up until the recent 52 Reboot by DC, the Post-Crisis continuity held on for about another 30 years. This is the era I know the best and I would like to pick three stories from it that sum up my argument.

1) Sacrifice- It is funny that I was just rereading this. Part of my summer has been going back through my collection and reading story arcs I liked but hadn't seen in awhile. Sacrifice was a little four issue story that happened between issues of the OMAC Project mini-series. This was all to lead into Infinite Crisis (the sequel to Crisis on Infinite Earths, see how it all ties together?). In order to have all the pieces in place for Infinite Crisis, the writer (in this case Greg Rucka, one of my favorites) had to make Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman distrust one another.

Batman had already created a spy satellite to keep an eye on all the other heroes, so Superman and Wonder Woman were already pissed at him. The villain of the piece was Max Lord, former leader of the Justice League. Lord had taken control of Superman's mind. In the Sacrifice arc, Lord made Superman believe he was seeing the brutal deaths of Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and anyone else he cared about. Superman goes into a rage and Lord tricks him into attacking Batman. Poor Batman, being only human, is almost killed. Wonder Woman has to step in and murder Max Lord to get him to release his control on Superman.

In fact, there is a pivotal moment in the story which I believe is probably echoed a bit in Man of Steel (from what I've heard). Wonder Woman has Lord defeated. He is tied in her magic lasso and must tell her the truth (that's how the lasso works). Lord taunts her by saying he will be free again at some point and, as soon as he is, he will take over Superman's mind again and cause more destruction...

That is the moment that causes Superman to no longer trust Wonder Woman. Even when he had been brainwashed into thinking he was fighting Doomsday or Darkseid (two opponents he would not need to hold back his strength on) he still managed to not kill Batman somehow. Even not in his right mind, he didn't kill. When Wonder Woman tries to explain, "There was no other way." He says, "There is always another way." That is Superman, post and pre-crisis in a nutshell. He would move heaven and earth to find a way not to kill someone. To kill is a failure and you are pulling yourself down to the level of your enemy.

2) What's So Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?- From March of 2001, this story appeared in issue 775 of Action comics and was written by Joe Kelly. In it, there is a new superhero team in town called The Elite. The Elite are parodies of the badass super teams that sprang up in the 1990s like the Authority or X-Force. They are all about killing criminals to make the world a better place. Superman decides they are as bad as villains and needs to stop them. The Elite keep mocking him in public and soon, the people are on the side of the Elite. Superman challenges them to a televised fight where it appears as if he is murdering the Elite one at a time. He finally reveals that he just defeated them and spared them all but wanted to scare their leader into acknowledging that there is always an alternative to violence. Again folks, defining trait of Superman!

3) The execution of Zod- John Byrne had the most influence on Superman's post-crisis origins. Byrne wrote and drew a large portion of the Superman titles after Crisis. In one such story, he had Superman meet General Zod, a Kryptonian villain who had been banished to the Phantom Zone. This involves pocket dimensions and a lot of plot contortions to but Zod gets free, kills all the humans on Earth (not the real Earth, long story) and Superman shows up to stop him. Superman takes away Zod's powers using Gold Kryptonite and then, when Zod says he will find a way to get his powers back and come jack up the real Earth, Superman kills him with Kryptonite.

And the horse you rode in on, Zod.

Wait, what's that you say? Superman killed someone in your precious post-Crisis continuity? Yes, yes he did. The point of the story wasn't to make Superman a badass, it was to forever alter him. He regrets that he executed Zod and vows to never take another life. The implicit becomes explicit as we see Superman, early in his career, make a mistake.

So why am I judging Man of Steel, which I haven't even seen, for doing what the comics did? I mean, isn't this set pretty early in the career of Superman?

If Superman does not kill again in subsequent movies, then I will take this as a tip of the hat to Superman's Post-Crisis timeline and enjoy it. I do not have a crystal ball and have no idea what future Superman movies will actually contain. Instead, I have to go off of what I do know based on the creative team...the Dark Knight Trilogy and the Watchmen.

Now, I love the Dark Knight movies, don't get me wrong. The entire second movie revolves around the fact that Batman doesn't kill. The ending of the first movie really irked me in that Batman just lets Ra's Al Ghul die.

That is, again Golden Age notwithstanding, the opposite of the Batman I know. He doesn't just not kill, he holds life as sacred and will do whatever he can to save even evil-doers. I thought there was some character growth in the way he stopped the Joker from dying at the end of the Dark Knight. He didn't "have to save" the Joker either, but he did. Of course, by the Dark Knight Rises, he is cool with letting Bane get blown away and Talia getting her spine crushed. Any sort of stance he made in the second movie seemed to be largely forgotten.

David Goyer wrote the screenplay for Batman Begins. He also did the story, but not the script for the other two Batman movies. He also wrote Man of Steel. I don't trust him to display character growth in Superman but maybe I will be wrong. And Zak Snyder...I mean, he got the plot of Watchmen right but missed anything remotely compelling about it. I also do not trust him to "get" Superman.

Will this Superman play to a massive audience? Sure. Will it be the most popular version of Superman? I don't see why not. Is it a betrayal of a fictional character's defining personality trait? It sounds like it to me. Just like I had no interest in a Jonah Hex movie where he somehow has magical powers, I have no interest in a killer Superman movie. Two years from now, after the next one has come out, if it turns out the killing of Zod and the allowing of thousands of innocents to die was a learning moment for Superman, I will eat crow then and watch the shit out of it. If it was just a poor character choice, I always have my back issues.

Finally Thinking

I was just eating in an IHOP at midnight, by myself. Usually, when I eat alone, I carry a notebook in with me in case inspiration strikes. Well, strike it did. I finally started thinking about my options and trying to come up with a realistic plan for my life. I came up with a 3x3 grid. On one axis: great job, shitty job, no job. On the other: Kansas City, Some other city, Greenville. Won't you join me as I explore my options?

Option 1: Great Job in Kansas City. Well, this would be ideal, wouldn't it? If I could get a great job (not like any of the ones I have applied for), I could stay here, finish out my lease and start paying for a car. The only hitch in this: what do I consider a great job? I mean, something that is going to pay me like a boss is going to almost by definition be something I am only mildly interested in. There are no management positions open at casinos. If I want Option 1 to work, I have until the end of July (maybe August if I have found the brass ring and think I can snag it). So, for this option, I need to figure out what it is I could do for a career and start applying if there are any such positions in KC. So, not the easiest and there is a clock ticking.

Option 2: Shitty job in Kansas City. That is to say, I get one of these jobs I have been applying to. If so, I can pay my bills and rent but will not be able to get a car without a second job. In which case I would have to find something part-time. I am having a hard enough time finding full-time but the bar would be pretty damn low for the part-time job. Hell, I could work at a pizza place or try retail somewhere. The point is, doable. Again, I have until the end of July to work something out or the money runs dry. This would be stop gap at best.

Option 3: No Job in KC. Well, like I said, there is an expiration date on all the KC stuff. Unless I want to run up massive debt, I have until the end of the summer at best to get a job or get out. So, this is obviously not a long-term solution and it is what I am living in right now!

Option 4: Great Job somewhere else. So, say I figure out what I want to be when I grow up. However, nowhere in KC has what I need. If I can get a nicely paying job somewhere else, I can probably afford to relocate, pay off what debt I have here and work on getting a car. Of course, the main thing is to look first at cities with great public transpo so the car becomes a secondary concern. The worst drawback is going deeper in debt to relocate again so soon and I would be on the hook for my lease here until next March!

Option 5: Shitty Job somewhere else. This one is the biggest gamble. It eliminates the need for a car because I would only take a shitty job in a city where I could get around on public transpo. Of course, those are usually big cities that cost more to live in so even the shitty job would have to be not so shitty. I would still probably wind up having to get two jobs just to live in the city with the shitty job.

Option 6: No job somewhere else. Why would I even do this one?

Option 7: Great Job in Greenville. Although I am not ready to come back to Greenville just yet in a spiritual sense, all my friends are there and I have learned how to live there. If I could find a kickass job there that would pay down my debts and allow me to get a car, I would be open to it for sure.

Option 8: Shitty Job in Greenville. Not even sure how I would pull this one off. Living with friends or my parents would reduce my bills but not eliminate them. I would also be paying rent still on this place in KC I'm not using. AND I would have to find transportation. This seems unfeasible.

Option 9: No job in Greenville. This is the second worst option to me (besides relocating somewhere without a job). I would just be leeching from my friends and family, going deeper into debt and would be unable to afford a car.

With all this laid out in front of me, I have to say that Option 1 or 4 would be best to me. That means finding a job I actually want. Option 5 is actually the next most appealing just because I know I'm not going to end up in KC.

So, what do I want to do?

I have been outlining writing projects, so that is one thing. I want to give comics another go (not letting Damocles Fugue's death get me down). The main problem with working two jobs is, that doesn't leave a lot of time for writing. Writing is the thing I want to get serious about and do. I will never earn my living through writing but at least I can be happy doing that on the side. So most creative jobs are entry level, ie shitty, jobs. If I want option 1 or 4, I will have to go for something in my field...security, investigations or teaching CJ. I still have a lot to think about but my thoughts are finally organized.

The Conflict

I am having a bit of an external conflict in that a very personal thought process is playing out in public. I write the truth in this blog about the way I feel. It is messy and not pleasant. I know this causes people who care about me to worry for me. That is not at all my intention. I write because I don't have deep, meaningful conversations...ever, these days. I feel completely disconnected from my friends in an emotional sense. So, these posts are to try to express how I feel and maybe get someone to understand me. I think all I have succeeded in doing is making people wonder when I will gack myself. I know the whining and the depression get tiring. Trust me, it tires me out even more because I live with these thoughts 16 hours a day.

So, if this blog is too raw or makes you feel uncomfortable or is just boring the shit out of you, don't read it. Honestly, I won't know who does and who doesn't. All I can tell is how many times it has been read. For all I know, I have one obsessive reader out there who hits refresh over and over again.

Right now, I feel like this is the best way I can communicate with the people I care about since we never can get into the juicy meat of things when we talk (mostly because it must be pried out of me and who has the patience for that?). I have decided not to post these personal entries to facebook anymore. If you guys want to follow me, you know where to find this by now.

Depression is a frustratingly narcissistic condition, I know. It seems like I am only thinking about myself and that is pretty much true. Bear with me and maybe the old Josh will come back. And maybe he will just be stuck in third person.

For those curious, this is the song my last post title came from...

What a Comfort to Find Out You're Losing Your Mind

My mental state is...precarious...to say the least. I have been thinking a lot about ways I can just go ahead and die. Of course, the downside to all of them is that, if I screw up, then I am just brain damaged and what a fate worse than death that would be.

To lighten the mood, I have included pics of happy kittens.

I stay up until 3 or 4 am. I have intense dreams (usually about old friends or old girlfriends or old friends I had wished were girlfriends at some point) and I wake up around noon. I find it exceedingly difficult to get out of bed or actually do anything. I usually lay here until three or four in the afternoon and then take a shower. By that time, it is too late to drop my rent check off or go apply for jobs. So, I usually make "lunch" at about the time old people eat dinner. I maybe watch some TV while I eat and then come back to my room. My bed has become sort of my base of operations (not that it hasn't always been).

The insomnia and the lack of motivation seem to point towards intense depression. I got paperwork from the SC unemployment office and I just let it sit for about two weeks before I read it. Turns out, I should have been calling in once a week on Sundays to claim my unemployment or something. Hell, I don't know.

Yep, this is about it.

So, what do I do in bed all day? (asked no one)

I read books, comics, websites...lots of reading. I write a little. I talk to people on the phone. I check my bank accounts, look at porn, apply to a job every now and then. I have been dabbling with grooveshark, listening to 70s music.

If I have something to do, I go do it. Like Improv on Monday nights or the occasional grocery run when I am running low on supplies.

Some days, I don't even check the mail because it requires walking through the jungle of my front yard (I have no lawn mower and no money to pay someone to cut my grass). The worst thing is my shortened attention span. I can only read one chapter at a time or one comic at a time before I need to check on Candy Crush or Criminal Case. I start writing blog entries and never finish them (there are about three times as many started as there are posted).

I can has ADD?

The most frustrating thing is that I am not thinking. It is like I refuse to think. My mind seems stuck in park. I want to think about something other than "I wish I was dead" but it is getting harder and harder to do so. I always pride myself on my intellect, it is the best thing about me. But lately, I would be unarmed in a battle of wits.

What am I going to do about my future? What if I can't find a job? What if I can't find a car? What if I get so deep in debt I can't climb out again? What if I am eating myself into a butterball coma?

None of these questions seem to need answering at this time, according to my brain. I have no idea what it will take to get me to care about my life again. Anyway, if you've read this far, you must be a real friend so thanks for listening to me aimlessly bitch.

This picture is on the cusp of almost too goddam adorable.

Best Songs I've Heard This Year...So Far

At the end of the year, I usually do a best of and I don't see why this year would be any different.

I really want to write something tonight but I don't want to do my usual whining about my life and blah blah blah.

Bear in mind, these are from albums I bought this year. I still don't own Surfer Blood's new one or Yeezus. But I expect I will like something off of those. These are in no particular order...

1) Father John Misty- Nancy From Now On

This was the first album I fell in love with this year. It was the only thing from the 2012 best of lists that sounded like it might be good, so I tried it out. I'll probably present this in my perfect album series at some point since I love every track. It will be hard to pick just one for the end of the year. This song got stuck in my head quite a bit.

2) Phosphorescent- A Charm/A Blade

This album is a lot more subdued than his last one. I like this track because it builds like a lot of my favorites do. I am a sucker for a horn section I guess. Unless something changes, this will be the track on my best of.

3) Foals- My Number

Seeing these guys live was a pretty basic deal. They did their songs and did them well. Not a lot of showmanship but you can tell their stuff is well crafted. Just a catchy little song. About half of this album is just stellar.

4) Girl Talk- Jump On Stage

The guy behind Girl Talk (I forget his name, Greg something?) just knows how to hit my sweet spot, musically. This mashups are so much fun and they change so quickly that, even if you hate a choice he has made, you only have to listen to it for a minute at most. Again, hard to pluck out just one song.

5) Frightened Rabbit- Holy

Another really solid album I got this year filled with good songs. It is funny, I was listening to this the other day before I went to Kinko's to print some resumes. The lead singer has a thick, Scottish brogue. With the tune still in my head, I went in and the woman at the counter was Scottish. I so wanted to ask her if she knew this band but she was pushing retirement age and I figured that was a long shot. Anyway, good stuff.

6) Telekinesis- Ever True

Not sure when I turned the corner on resisting synth-pop to embracing it but this song is the direct opposite of something I would have liked five years ago. This album is uniformly excellent and I have been loving it. This was one of the few songs they didn't play live when I saw them with friends this year.

I also bought new albums by The Strokes and Generationals but neither of them have floated my boat so far. I have seen bands I liked live, like Shadowpaint and Palace, but they have a low web presence, to date. Anyway, expect this list doubled by the end of the year.

The 52 Plan: My Latest Attempt to Fight the Fat

Before all this bullshit went down with my former job, I was looking at this year in Kansas City as an opportunity to point my life back in the right direction. One of the things I have struggled with for years is my weight. I have tried all sorts of self-made diet and exercise regimes but they were all essentially unhealthy. They also attacked the symptoms more than the disease. I am gluttonous and slothful (both physically and mentally). For the past two months I have been on a course to correct these personality traits by gradually changing my lifestyle. Now, I have passed the easy parts and I am getting to the challenges. I once read somewhere that letting other people know your goals is a good way to hold yourself accountable.

I started with identifying four areas in which I want improvement: what I drink, how active I am, what I eat and how much I write. My former therapist told me that it takes about 28 days to make a habit. What do you know? If you take the 52 weeks in a year and divide by four areas of improvement, you get 13 sets of 28 (more or less). My therapist also said, no cheating days. If I was trying to kick heroin, I wouldn't give myself a "cheat" day. Cheese fries are almost as bad.

It all started on 4/1/13 and will end on 3/31/14. Every week, I start a new phase. Each phase lasts 28 days. They overlap, obviously. So far, I haven't failed at anything yet. But, as you will see, the worst is yet to come.

Week 1: Drinking Phase 1 (drink whatever I want, whenever I want).

Week 2: Drinking Phase 1, Exercise Phase 1 (whatever exercise I happen to get in the course of a day).

Week 3: Drinking Phase 1, Exercise Phase 1, Eating Phase 1 (eat what I want, when I want).

Week 4: Drinking Phase 1, Exercise Phase 1, Eating Phase 1, Writing Phase 1 (don't feel pressured to write anything). So you can see, for the first month, it was kind of business as usual.

Week 5: Drinking Phase 2 (Sodas at meals, and one as a "snack"), Exercise Phase 1, Eating Phase 1, Writing Phase 1

Week 6: Drinking Phase 2, Exercise Phase 2 (Walk 30 minutes, two days a week), Eating Phase 1, Writing Phase 1

Week 7: Drinking Phase 2, Exercise Phase 2, Eating Phase 2 (three meals a day, one snack- source not important), Writing Phase 1

Week 8: Drinking Phase 2, Exercise Phase 2, Eating Phase 2, Writing Phase 2 (write 20 jokes in the next 28 days- this has been my Oscarbot3000 stuff and I wrote some material as if I was going to do standup).

Week 9: Drinking Phase 3 (Soda at meals only, diet soda otherwise), Exercise Phase 2, Eating Phase 2, Writing Phase 2

Week 10: Drinking Phase 3, Exercise Phase 3 (walk 30 minutes twice a week, also twice a week do a 10 rep set of pushups, situps, crunches and light weight lifting), Eating Phase 2, Writing Phase 2

Week 11: Drinking Phase 3, Exercise Phase 3, Eating Phase 3 (three meals and a snack from home otherwise, this one is more economical than healthy), Writing Phase 2. This is the week I am in as I write this. So far, no problems sticking to this. I am eating a little less than normal and exercising a little more.

Week 12: Drinking Phase 3, Exercise Phase 3, Eating Phase 3, Writing Phase 3 (come up with four new comic book ideas, journal at least once).

Week 13: Drinking Phase 4 (Orange Juice for breakfast, soda for lunch and dinner, diet soda otherwise), Exercise Phase 3, Eating Phase 3, Writing Phase 3

By this point, we will be at the end of June and a quarter of the way through my program. Notice, nothing too shocking or drastic so far. I think the first 13 weeks will be relatively easy (I mean, I am already almost done with week 11).

So what do I have to look forward to in the dog days of summer?

Week 14: Drinking Phase 4, Exercise Phase 4 (walk 30 minutes twice a week, do the other thing twice a week but up the reps to 20), Eating Phase 3, Writing Phase 3

Week 15: Drinking Phase 4, Exercise Phase 4, Eating Phase 4 (breakfast is locked every day at one biscuit and a special k bar- basically what it already is but these are 500 calories altogether), Writing Phase 3

Week 16: Drinking Phase 4, Exercise Phase 4, Eating Phase 4, Writing Phase 4 (come up with three screenplay ideas and outline them, journal at least twice during this month)

Week 17: Drinking Phase 5 (OJ for breakfast, real soda one meal, diet soda at the third), Exercise Phase 4, Eating Phase 4, Writing Phase 4

Week 18: Drinking Phase 5, Exercise Phase 5 (Walk 30 minutes every other day, with the pushup/situp routine every other day with the reps still at 20), Eating Phase 4, Writing Phase 4

Week 19: Drinking Phase 5, Exercise Phase 5, Eating Phase 5 (breakfast is set, one homemade meal, one meal out), Writing Phase 4

Week 20: Drinking Phase 5, Exercise Phase 5, Eating Phase 5, Writing Phase 5 (come up with 3 short story ideas and outline them, journal at least four times)

Week 21: Drinking Phase 6 (OJ for breakfast, diet soda at meals, one real soda for a "snack"), Exercise Phase 5, Eating Phase 5, Writing Phase 5

Week 22: Drinking Phase 6, Exercise Phase 6 (this begins my couch to 5k program every other day with the pushup/situp deal in between upped to 25 reps), Eating Phase 5, Writing Phase 5

Week 23: Drinking Phase 6, Exercise Phase 6, Eating Phase 6 (breakfast is set, two homemade meals and one "whatever" snack), Writing Phase 5

Week 24: Drinking Phase 6, Exercise Phase 6, Eating Phase 6, Writing Phase 6 (come up with two novel ideas and outline them, journal at least 8 times)

Week 25: Drinking Phase 7 (OJ for breakfast, diet sodas all other times), Exercise Phase 6, Eating Phase 6, Writing Phase 6

Week 26: Drinking Phase 7, Exercise Phase 7 (continue couch to 5k and increase reps to 30), Eating phase 6, Writing Phase 6

So, you can see, by the halfway mark of the year, I have eliminated full sodas from my diet, started running again and cut out fast food/order in food. All the outlining of writing pays off in the second half of the year. Eventually, the diet soda gets replaced with water. It is all very slow but I think it will create healthier habits for me. I have already worked out twice this week. I will post updates as I go.

J-O-B

I finally remembered, here before I try to go to bed, to go back to some Forbes article I read a million years ago about job interview questions. Two questions that have always tripped me up are:

"What is your biggest weakness?"

and

"Tell me about a challenge you have overcome."

Now, when I get asked the first one, this scene from Trainspotting pops into my head...

I have actually answered people with "I'm a bit of a perfectionist..." not advised. 

The Forbes article recommends that you talk about a former weakness. So I think I have something in mind that will work. I can talk about how my confidence has increased as I have gained experience. I honestly used to have a hard time cutting the cord, as it were, with trainers. I ask a million questions and I want to make sure I am doing everything right. It took awhile for me to realize I can usually just use my own common sense to figure out what to do. Most jobs are not a cat and mouse game of Sherlockian intrigue where I have to stay ten steps ahead. Usually, all the possible outcomes are discussed in the training manual.

The second question is very much like being put on the spot at the end of Improv class when the teacher asks us what we learned. Every day brings new challenges and I am learning constantly. To pick one instance...my brain freezes. Luckily, I have an example from my recent past. My former manager and I were having problems communicating by email so, the next time I saw her in person I had a private discussion with her and we worked it out. I will embellish all this, of course.

All the other standard questions I am pretty confident I can handle. Fingers crossed...

Late Night Nothing to Write Blues

No rants here (I guess, unless I find something to rant about later). No agenda to push. I feel the need to write but have no topic in mind. I could ramble on about comic books for a thousand more words but people don't care for those entries so much.

My Future

I guess I'll just talk about what is on my mind. I have a job interview on Thursday and I feel a bit paralyzed in the meantime. If it works, I will take it. It only pays 11.25 an hour to start but that is better than the 0 an hour I make at the moment. I heard back from SC unemployment and they are offering me $326 a week for a year, before taxes. I can't live on that. I figured out I can live on 11.25 an hour but only if I don't buy a car, don't spend any leisure money, pay only the minimum on my credit card and eat nothing but ramen. It will be like being back in college again (or grad school, actually). I am kind of looking forward to the challenge. I may see if the casino has any other part-time positions I could work for awhile or if they offer overtime.



This, of course, puts my future role as the psychotic maniac in my friends' movie up in the air. I don't know if I can get a vacation so soon after starting a new job.

My Other Future?

In order to get to the casino everyday will require a triple bus transfer and take about an hour. This will definitely take me back to my Boston days, when I rode buses and trains everywhere. If I remember correctly, I should leave about two hours before my shift starts in case of buses running late. I remember one late night in Boston where the buses just stopped for some reason and never came to pick up my stop. When I got home I asked Eric, "Guess how I got home?" To which he replied, "Rickshaw?" Which I thought was damn funny and very telling of how late it was before I saw my house.

I am trying to imagine monitoring a casino full of people for 8 hours a day. I mean, I love to people watch. Getting paid for it would be a blast. I just wonder...you know that scene in the Matrix (why has that movie been on my mind so much lately?) where Neo gets distracted by the woman in the red dress?

You know the one...

If I were a cheater at a casino, I would make sure I brought some eye candy with me to distract the people manning the cameras. I mean, I am only human. I can't promise I won't be tempted to look if a hottie is on the screen. Speaking of...

Good Lord!

I finished reading Tina Fey's Bossypants today. That was a funny book. It is odd that she wrote it as if only women would be reading it. Her sense of humor reminds me of several of my friends and I miss them. Her little bits about improv are really cool to read. I need to read an improv book. Anyway, the main thing I got from her book was, "Don't ever try to talk to me if you don't know me." She mocks pretty much any topic or opening line you could come up with to speak to her. I GUESS OUR LOVE WILL NEVER BE...

Speaking of improv, my teacher called me a jerk the other night, which is a sure sign that I have made a new friend. My former fiancee used to tell me that she knew I was the one for her when I casually flipped her the bird one day before we started dating (I mean, not out of nowhere, she was talking shit). I think it is the same theory, you can only be insulting to people you feel really comfortable with. You can't call someone a jerk if you don't know how they will react...unless you are a sociopath. My friend Eric and his brother used to call each other "jerk" all the time but in the friendliest way. So, I look for that in a friend, someone I can flip off or who can call me something other people would find offensive. In fact, I seem to gravitate towards the people who piss other people off unintentionally. Those are my favorite people.

I have been feeling very socially awkward lately. As the weather has gotten better, people have gotten nicer here on the MO side of things. Now, just about everyone is friendly. Moreso even than Greenville, I find myself in these mini-conversations with strangers that are oddly rewarding. When you live alone and don't communicate with another living soul all day (like I did today) you get a little caught up in your own thoughts. You don't expect the pizza guy to tell you how you should be watching Frisky Dingo or the rental car agent to ask you your life's story. It takes me a second to shake out of my internal monologue and talk. I imagine I look like one of those animatronic presidents at Disney World lurching to life.

Shotgun Jones is deadly justice...so goes the theme song...

I will be embarking on writing an MST3K style script with one of the guys from my improv class, Dale. We are watching Shotgun Jones, which is kind of hilarious without anyone commenting but the jokes almost write themselves. Who knows, maybe this comedy thing will take off for me?

I am doing a series of posts on twitter under the handle Oscarbot3000 (or you can search using winterteeth). I am trying to write pithy bon mots in the style of Oscar Wilde if his mind had been uploaded into an android here in 2013. A few people clicked "like" when I posted about this on facebook but I got no new followers. Help Oscarbot3000 achieve sentience, people!

Also, I am sporadically doing a radio show on grooveshark. I think you can usually find it here. I usually post on facebook shortly in advance of when I will be playing the music so check your local listings there.

OK, that is it for tonight. I have worked out the writing bug for today. Maybe I sleep before 4am tonight?

Hunter S Thompson and the Evolution of Revolution

Jim Jones taught his followers the words of Mao Tse Tung, "Change must come through the barrel of a gun." Jones was almost assuredly insane and orchestrated a mass suicide of his followers so, you know, grain of salt. However, I just finished watching a documentary about Hunter S Thompson that makes me think Mao and Jones were not just whistling Dixie.

Thompson's life story was kind of sad in one important way, it seems he became passionately political in his middle age and then completely fell apart when he realized he couldn't make a change. The same cycle of celebrity that ate the Hells Angels ended up eating him which he should have seen coming since he was the one who exposed the Hells Angels as more media creation than real-life threat. Thompson ran for Sheriff of Aspen, CO, in 1970 (I think, could be wrong, too lazy to look) on a platform of legalizing drug use. The hippies at the time were very in support of him. I think today he would be seen as a Libertarian. He was pro-gun and pro-drugs and anti-authoritarian all the way. He was soundly defeated in the election by the incumbent but at least he put his money where his mouth was and tried to enact political change from inside the system.

His Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas period came next where he "searched for the American dream." He wrote about the groundswell of change that was promised by the 60s that evaporated by the 1970s. It almost seems like self-selection but he surrounded himself with like minded people who wanted things to change and then he believed the whole world felt like it needed to change. If you choose to live surrounded by racists, you will probably become one. If you choose to live surrounded by hippies, you will probably start to believe that love can change the world.

Thompson went on to try and expose the dark machinations of the political system in his year-long tour with George McGovern as he ran for president in 1972. The height of Thompson's power as a journalist came when he began a totally unfounded rumor that McGovern's opponent in the primaries was on a Brazilian hallucinogen. His story was reported as real and the opponent lost his bid for the nomination. It seems like, coincidentally, this was the point where the press stopped leading and started following.

After McGovern was nominated, his shitty pick for a running mate took up all the press and the Watergate break in was pushed to the side. I don't think this represents a conservative bias in the press any more than modern news stories show a liberal bias. I think the press chases ad revenue by chasing readership by publishing whatever people want to read about. When the Lifestyle section (or whatever section is filled with fluff) is larger than the actual news, you know that your society is in trouble.

It gets me thinking about the methods of communication. If history is being rewritten every day and no one is getting real news...what are we basing our actions on?

Bear with me for a slight pop culture detour. In the Matrix movies (I knows, right?) the eventual reveal is that the machines allow a minor revolution every now and then to weed out the trouble makers. Every generation has a Neo and a Zion and it always falls and starts over. Say what you will about muddled plotting and anticlimax, the movie does make a decent point. Revolutions, especially peaceful ones, don't seem to end in any real change.

I know a lot of people point to Gandhi as an example of peaceful protest creating real change. As much as I wanted to believe that the Quit India movement forced out the British, it didn't make any sense to me. If the protests became so disruptive that the British lost money in some way, then I would understand. Doing some reading, there is a view of the British withdrawal from India that has nothing to do with Gandhi. The soldiers in the Indian army had (now, granted perhaps through the efforts of Gandhi) become more nationalistic. There had been a mutiny of the Indian navy in 1946 against the British. The Brits could no longer count on the Indian soldiers to fight for the Empire, only for their own nation. Britain saw the writing on the wall and got out before they had to clash with a military they themselves trained and supplied. So, hunger strike all you want but nothing gets butts in gear like the threat of war.

Which leads me back to the Mao quote, "Change must come through the barrel of a gun." We could only declare our independence after a war. We could only end slavery after a war. The lives of peaceful activists the world over end in murder and assassination. MLK's martyrdom was far more motivating to whites (I see a rich old white guy in a suit saying "Those ******s may riot if we don't give them what they want") than any speech he gave. It seems for real change to come, there must be a threat of violence.

I was thinking about the lack of media coverage of the Monsanto marches. It didn't surprise me at all. For one, Monsanto probably sponsors a big chunk of news in America. For another, who wants to hear about peaceful protests? The G8 summits only get coverage when there is violence. Maybe if some of the Monsanto marchers had clashed with police or rioted, we would have heard more about it.

Not to sound too bitter (too late) but it all just seems like Bread and Circuses at this point. I feel like the powers that be give us enough of the illusion of freedom to make us think we can make a difference. We can march and boycott and protest and, at the end of the day, change only happens when the powerful can profit from it or they stand to lose too much by not embracing it.

I think micro change is the only real power we have. I think we can use our actions and spend our money in conscientious ways. Sometimes we don't even have that option. I think I've said it before but I think just leading a good life and helping each other is all we can really do.

Maybe I am thinking myself into a corner and justifying my non-participation in politics. Hunter Thompson exposed the emptiness of the American dream, the corruption of the political system and the power of the press but he ended up howling at the wrong target. He believed Nixon was the big bad guy but I think he was way off. Nixon is just the guy out front. He is the middle manager who has to take the heat from the people and answer to the directives of those with real power. Just like every modern President. Thompson swore he was what was wrong with America but I think he found out too late that it went far beyond Nixon. Everything after Nixon's reelection in 72 seems like the actions of a broken man who believed his own myth. He threw himself against the wall and broke. That isn't something I am eager to do. No Don Quixote I.

Is there efficacy in peace? Do the roots of liberty have to soak in blood? Is forcing someone else to martyr us a better position than fighting for what we believe in?

I don't have any answers. I wish I knew how to make the world better but I don't. Any input would be appreciated.

The Secret Six: Part 6

I finished rereading the entire run of the Secret Six today. It was obvious Simone had big plans for the series if it had continued. Nothing comes of the team working for Waller. In fact, the last year is mostly spent involved in crossovers as an attempt to boost the readership.

Paul Cornell had been given the title Action Comics to write. Normally, I'm sure he would have been thrilled but this happened to be a year where he couldn't use Superman in DC's flagship title. Cornell used Lex Luthor as the main character and made a compelling read for the villain in the short term. During Blackest Night, Lex got a taste of wielding a Power Ring (like Green Lantern's Green Ring) and wanted to regain that power for himself. The whole year was a pretty fun read until the very last issue, where Superman had to come back and salvage the plot. Deus ex machina as a plot device kind of bores me.

At any rate, the Secret Six crossover with Action Comics so that Scandal Savage and Vandal Savage have another chance to work out their family issues. Then, the Six turned up in Birds of Prey so that Catman could con Huntress into not being attracted to him anymore. Finally, the Six crossed into Doom Patrol for a kind of pointless crossover.

It is always fun to see which visiting authors actually read the characters they are trying to write. The main trick is Ragdoll. If you nail his perverted sense of humor, you pretty much have the character. Everyone else, you can script normally. Simone herself writes Birds of Prey so no issues there. Cornell seemed to actually get the Six pretty well and might have one day been a decent replacement for Simone. Keith Giffen, who wrote Doom Patrol at the time, keep making jokey references to Ragdoll's genitals (he has none) and basically couldn't nail the tone of any of the Six except Deadshot.

Late in the game, King Shark joins the team and adds a delightful level of absurdity to the dialogue. Some of his lines make me laugh. The roster kept growing until the Secret Six became the Secret Eight. The cast was starting to get unwieldy. It was at this point that I think Simone knew she had to wrap things up or pull in a ton of new readers.

The Get Out of Hell Free card from the first arc comes back into play as Scandal finally decides she needs to free Knockout from Hell. Black Alice quits the team and one of the other members reveals that he has stolen the card from Scandal and wants to live in Hell as a ruler.

Weird things happen and the team comes out of Hell with an extra member to take Alice's place. There is some dark stuff and a guest appearance by the Demon (in full rhyming mode).

The final issues amount to a bottle rocket rather than any real fireworks. Bane gets a bug up his ass to break Batman again by killing all of the Bat's friends and allies. Before any of that can happen, Bane leads the Six to attack the Penguin for some reason. All plot lines kind of stop dead in issue 36 as every super hero in the DCU shows up to put down the Six. When Deadshot referenced Butch and Sundance early in the series, he was foreshadowing this last issue. There is a moral conundrum (again) and the villains prove themselves to be honorable (again). But they still get the hell beaten out of them.

The whole thing ends with Bane separating himself from the Six so he can go back to his evil ways. None of this would matter because the whole universe was rebooted a few months later in Flashpoint and then in the new 52. After the 52 reboot, the Suicide Squad was relaunched with Deadshot as the main character. Of course, none of his character carried over when the universe reset. He did end up banging Harley Quinn quite a bit. But I don't think that counts as character. King Shark was also in the new Squad. Scandal, Ragdoll, Jeannette and Catman have yet to resurface. Honestly, I don't think Bane has either. So any character work Simone did was wiped away.

Why didn't this series succeed? Well, it had a marked lack of marquee names, of course. The sex and violence content was very high for such a mainstream book and superhero comics are a conservative medium. Maybe people wanted the political intrigue of the Suicide Squad back (Simone nailed the character interaction, which I think was far more important). The biggest drawback I saw in the writing was that each arc essentially represented the same emotional journey for the characters. They would be hired by someone unscrupulous, one or some of them would decide to fight against the person who hired them (and thus the rest of the team). By the end, they would all learn that they like and need each other. Awwww.

In the last issue, Catman says, "We are always outgunned and we always lose." But he says it with pride. This is kind of a sad truth. I don't think we ever see the team successfully complete an assignment except in the last issue. They are referenced as jokes and losers when they show up in Action and Doom Patrol. With a rep like that, I guess readers didn't want to tag along.

Going back through, I am a little disappointed. This may no longer be my favorite series of the 2000s but it was damn fun. There are plenty of moments I enjoyed and I realized the thing this series most resembles is Firefly. You have a group of criminals and lowlifes who need each other and form a bit of a family.

Seek it out if you like villain stories and can handle some rough stuff in your superhero comics. I'll be back with something completely different soon. So, Catman, are you mad I kind of ran out of gas on this series?

The Secret Six Part 5: Catman and the Redemption Arc

As Deadshot is dragged, kicking and screaming towards nobility through the connections he makes with more morally upstanding teammates, we get to see Catman move in the opposite direction. The entire Secret Six series looks as if it will be about Catman trying to overcome his criminal past and join the ranks of the superheroes.

A quick history of the character: Thomas Blake was a big game hunter turned supervillain. He did Cat related crimes in an orange and yellow costume that was identical to Batman's blue and gray. Sometimes he worked with Catwoman and sometimes against. He was really bottom rung by the time it was implied he was eaten off panel by a gorilla during a Green Arrow story.

Simone worked overtime to rehabilitate Catman the way Ostrander built up Deadshot 15 years earlier. This Catman was accepted by lions as one of their own and became a dangerous hunter of men. Catman and Scandal both have more than a little Wolverine in them, which is good because DC doesn't have that so much. So, you can slim a guy down and make him a kick ass fighter, but then what? You are still left with a character problem in that, he has no character.

From the get go, Blake is being pulled towards the side of the angels. He tips off Green Arrow to the existence of the Society and the Secret Six. He warns the heroes that the Society is planning to attack Metropolis in Infinite Crisis. He and Deadshot are the center of the team with Blake pulling towards the team doing good deeds and Deadshot pulling them towards pure mercenary work.

As the series goes on, Catman becomes a father (yeah, spoiler alert) with Cheshire. He gets oddly protective of Cheshire even after she betrays the team many, many times and tries to kill them. The main series puts Blake through some harsh times. There is an arc dedicated to the fact that his son is kidnapped by a deranged billionaire. Catman loses all humanity...you know, writing all this up, Simone pretty much lifts Deadshot's arc beat for beat from Suicide Squad.

I thought this would provide a nice contrast with Deadshot's development but they are both on the same bumpy path to salvation. Catman doesn't get to almost martyr himself but, otherwise, the emotional ebb and flow is the same. 

Looking through all the other characters, Scandal is the only one who softens somewhat in that she develops a fondness for Bane and finds new love with a stripper after her old girlfriend is killed. Ragdoll stays gleefully obscene throughout the entire run. Bane and Deadshot are both kind of ruthless pragmatists with slightly different codes of conduct. As I reread the last 11 issues, I will assess any further developments but I have suddenly lost a bit of respect for this series.

After the Six deal with Wonder Woman and the prison warden who builds a prison based on Dante's Inferno (a neat idea that isn't pursued much), there is a fill-in issue written by Ostrander that brings in his Father Craemer character from the Spectre and Suicide Squad to counsel Deadshot. The Blackest Night crossover kicks in next and, let me vent a bit about this...

The Blackest Night was meant to be the big climax to Geoff Johns run on the Green Lantern. I get the feeling DC editorial pushed the timetable on it up to make it a big summer crossover after the failure of Final Crisis. The concept should have been awesome, the DCU vs. zombies of all the dead characters. Zombies were reaching a peak of popularity at that point and the idea of Batman dealing with his zombie parents or something was kind of cool. However, I think the idea to make them invincible sort of screwed the pooch. You can shoot or blow up a zombie in the Blackest Night and they will just reform. How boring. If you can't stop an enemy, there is no dramatic tension.

OK, so the Blackest Night happens to coincide with Amanda Waller's attempts to lure Deadshot back to the Suicide Squad with an ambush. The Six fight the Squad and then team up to fight the zombies. Of course, the only way it can end is with a deus ex machina. There is another great Deadshot moment at the end as he turns down Waller's job offer in a most unique way.

The next arc is the fall of Catman as the group tries to stop him from losing his soul in pursuit of the men who kidnapped his son. It is a very dark and bleak arc that ends with Catman AWOL.

Then, you have a one-off Ostrander fill-in where the Six are lured into a Most Dangerous Game scenario. It is a cool little one off issue.

The next issue (24) is one of the most baffling of the entire series. It takes place in the wild west and all the characters appear as western versions of themselves. This issue is never explained or contextualized. Just weird.

The next arc follows the Secret...Twelve? Bane and Jeannette have hired on four new members to fulfill a contract made by Spy Smasher (remember how much Simone seemed to love her back in Birds of Prey)? They run headlong into the original Secret Six. Simone sidesteps the big question of how these guys survive when all their missions go wrong and no one ever pays them. She has them working for Amanda Waller again by the end of the arc, so now they will go on dirty missions for the good of the world. Simone has effectively rechristened the Secret Six as the Suicide Squad.

The last bit of issues will have crossovers with Birds of Prey, Action Comics and Doom Patrol. I will also attempt to figure out why no one read this book. For your enjoyment, here is Catman beating the hell out of Batman...

The Secret Six Part 4: Deadshot

Hooboy, this has been the entry I have been dreading and excited about all at the same time. It is sometimes difficult to articulate what makes a certain fictional character resonate to an individual. Like comedy, one's interaction with fiction is highly subjective. Sometimes you bring more the table as a reader than the writer intends.

Deadshot is, to this day, my favorite comic book creation. He has no powers, his costume is not really cool and, up until the late 1980s, he was kind of a joke. He first appeared in 1950 and, like most comic book villains, he is a dark reflection of his target hero. By 1950, Batman had already cemented most of his rogue's gallery. Joker is the chaos to Batman's order. Scarecrow is the abuse of fear to Batman's use of fear. Penguin is wealth gone wrong to Batman's wealth gone right. It is hard to get a new character to "stick" once most of your bases have been covered.

Deadshot first appeared as a douchebag in a tuxedo with tails, a top hat and a domino mask. He purported to be a crime fighter but was actually just a thief. His big gimmick was that he used guns while Batman did not. Not the most original take on the "Dark Reflection" idea.

Deadshot vanished for a long time and was then polished off and redesigned by Marshall Rogers for the December 1977 issue of Detective Comics (say, wonder why that date resonates with me?). Deadshot was recast as an assassin who "never misses" contracted to kill Bruce Wayne. The look was a little better (still garish) and his modus operandi a little less on the nose but he was still just a c-lister at best. He was good for popping up into crowd scenes of Batman's enemies breaking out of jail or teaming up to kill him but he didn't carry much weight.

Finally, he lands in the Suicide Squad when John Ostrander is put in charge of making the team for the Legends crossover. Ostrander single-handedly made Deadshot a three dimensional character. As the series begins, Deadshot has signed on for the dangerous missions of the Squad. Even after successfully completing a few, he stays with the team. One of the innovations of the Squad comic is that Ostrander would halt the plot for one issue a year to allow the characters to be built up. Over the course of the series, we learn Deadshot has a death wish. He would never kill himself but he doesn't care if he lives or dies. Sort of think Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon or Bronson in Deathwish.



Through his therapy/romance with the Squad's psychiatrist, we discover that he is carrying around guilt for the death of his brother. His father was highly abusive and, one day, when young Floyd Lawton had suffered enough, he perched in a tree with a gun waiting to shoot his father. Sure enough, his father began beating Floyd's brother (whom Floyd idolized) like clockwork. The branch holding Floyd gave way as he shot, causing Floyd to miss and shoot his own brother through the head.

As the Lawton's were wealthy, the whole thing gets covered up and Floyd leaves home. He studies at being a marksman the same way Bruce Wayne would study at a variety of disciplines. Having killed the only good person in his life, Floyd no longer much cares what happens to him or what he does to other people. He does end up having a son of his own. Within the context of the comics, Ostrander explains that Deadshot can never kill Batman because he looks up to Batman. Whenever the two fight, Deadshot intentionally misses.

This kind of relationship pattern defines the character from that point on. Like Wolverine always creating surrogate daughters, Floyd is always looking for an older brother to look up to. Anyone with a code of ethics or heroic leaning can earn Floyd's respect but he creates space between himself and others with his brusque personality and crude sense of humor.

Deadshot vanished from Suicide Squad for four issues in order to star in his own limited series by Ostrander. And it is dark. Super dark for a mainstream superhero publisher even if it was the 1980s. Floyd takes leave of the Squad once his son is kidnapped. One of the kidnappers is a child molester who wants to get at the boy very badly. In the course of the series, Floyd visits home and his backstory is revealed. Eventually, Floyd finds his son too late, accidentally killed by the molester after being violated. Floyd loses what little humanity he has left at that point, going on a killing spree. It ends with him shooting his own mother. Like I said, dark stuff.

This leads to maybe one of the best Suicide Squad moments. The leader, Colonel Flag, has discovered that the Squad has been blackmailed into performing missions on behalf of a corrupt senator. Flag goes rogue, killing the NSA liaison who coordinated the blackmail. The woman in charge of the Squad program (Amanda Waller) orders Deadshot to stop Flag from killing the Senator by any means necessary. The idea, of course, is for Deadshot to kill Flag. However, Flag definitely falls in the older brother category for Deadshot. Upon arriving at the scene where Flag plans to kill the Senator, Deadshot shoot the Senator himself...thereby obeying Waller's instructions to not let Flag kill him. Deadshot is gunned down by police and is hospitalized for a good chunk of the rest of the run.

Once he comes back, he is never quite the same. The character has no regard for his own life or those of his teammates. When he loses his costume at an airport, late in the run, he tracks down the baggage handler who stole it and kills him. For awhile, he refuses to wear the costume anymore, claiming he has killed Deashot. Eventually, the dictates of the medium required him to wear the suit again.

After the cancellation of the Squad, Deadshot would pop up occasionally. Sometimes he would be back to his solo assassin ways and sometimes be with the Squad. Pretty much every writer used Ostrander's character template for him.

And this is why I relate to the guy. He falls short, always. He wants to be the hero, the good guy, the one everyone admires but he knows he can't. He will always protect those he respects (even in the most insane ways...as we will see in a bit) but everyone else is just a victim to him.  Misanthropy, a darkness in his soul and a desire to be better with no ideas how to get there are all facets of a character I can relate to. His complete disregard for the bonds of family is another I can sympathize with. Plus, he is hyper-competent at one thing and I would love to be (not shooting, writing).

When Gail Simone placed Floyd in the Secret Six, I was worried for his future. He is the perfect level of liked but not loved that makes him an easy kill for shock value. Like in Suicide Squad, the early days of the Six were filled with members getting offed. I feel there are no guarantees that Deadshot would stick around and that lack of certainty makes being a fan exciting. Unlike Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent, Floyd Lawton can be killed off.

Simone immediately took the "older brother" role model idea and planted it on her Catman character. Sure, Deadshot killed Catman's pride of lions, but they didn't know each other yet. In a perfect example of how one writes an evil character doing a good thing, towards the end of the "Get Out of Hell Free" card storyline, Deadshot realizes that his team is going to die if they deliver the card as they were hired to do. As he knows they are all prideful and don't really trust each other, he shoots two of them and runs over another two, taking the card for himself. At first you think it is a betrayal but everyone soon figures out that he is taking the card so that, when the hammer falls, it falls on him alone. A selfless action, done in the most violent and brutal way possible. Another reason I like him, he even fucks up his good deeds.

Likewise, in a second mini-series that came between Suicide Squad and Secret Six, Floyd is given another child and is recast as an anti-hero helping Green Arrow stop a super villain. It looks like a redemption storyline but, the tragedy of the character should be that his redemption has to come through personal sacrifice, not through the love of a woman or a child. Simone almost immediately nips this in the bud by having Floyd tell off the mother of his child so she will never want to see him again. This way, her and the child are safe from any enemies Floyd has. Once again, doing the right thing the wrong way.

The next year of the Six is relatively stable in terms of cast. Deadshot finds love with a new teammate (their date night is a lot of fun as the skinheads from issue 1 come back seeking revenge). Catman gets to deal with his "I wanna be Batman" issues a little when he considers taking up the mantle of the Bat. Simone gets to write Wonder Woman one more time as the Amazon guest stars in an arc about a slaver.

The second year gets moving with Ostrander coming in to write a Deadshot-centered fill-in. Going to show that Simone gets the character perfectly, the passing of the baton is totally clean. A new member joins who Simone didn't get to play enough with in Birds of Prey. Half way through the second year, the Blackest Night crossover hit. Ostrander and Simone team up to create a Suicide Squad/Secret Six crossover where Amanda Waller wants Deadshot back on her team and the Six want him to stay. Sure, these are groups of villains but I was pleased to see my favorite character so in demand.

I know the actual discussion of the Secret Six has broken down but I don't want to spoil too many developments in the series as that is half the fun of reading it. At one point Deadshot refers to himself and Catman as Butch and Sundance. This is most apt description I can imagine. The Six see themselves as basically good guys who happen to be outlaws. Perhaps if the series hadn't been cancelled, Catman could have drug Deadshot towards the light.

When the universe rebooted in the New 52, Deadshot was still a great marksman with a "who gives a damn" attitude but he was not fleshed out at all in the first year of the pretty horrible new Suicide Squad series. Now, he is Harley Quinn's boytoy and not all that interesting. If the old DC ever comes back, I hope the old Floyd Lawton does, too.

OK, next time we look at Catman and the rest of the second year of Secret Six ongoing.