What a Comfort to Find Out You're Losing Your Mind

My mental state is...precarious...to say the least. I have been thinking a lot about ways I can just go ahead and die. Of course, the downside to all of them is that, if I screw up, then I am just brain damaged and what a fate worse than death that would be.

To lighten the mood, I have included pics of happy kittens.

I stay up until 3 or 4 am. I have intense dreams (usually about old friends or old girlfriends or old friends I had wished were girlfriends at some point) and I wake up around noon. I find it exceedingly difficult to get out of bed or actually do anything. I usually lay here until three or four in the afternoon and then take a shower. By that time, it is too late to drop my rent check off or go apply for jobs. So, I usually make "lunch" at about the time old people eat dinner. I maybe watch some TV while I eat and then come back to my room. My bed has become sort of my base of operations (not that it hasn't always been).

The insomnia and the lack of motivation seem to point towards intense depression. I got paperwork from the SC unemployment office and I just let it sit for about two weeks before I read it. Turns out, I should have been calling in once a week on Sundays to claim my unemployment or something. Hell, I don't know.

Yep, this is about it.

So, what do I do in bed all day? (asked no one)

I read books, comics, websites...lots of reading. I write a little. I talk to people on the phone. I check my bank accounts, look at porn, apply to a job every now and then. I have been dabbling with grooveshark, listening to 70s music.

If I have something to do, I go do it. Like Improv on Monday nights or the occasional grocery run when I am running low on supplies.

Some days, I don't even check the mail because it requires walking through the jungle of my front yard (I have no lawn mower and no money to pay someone to cut my grass). The worst thing is my shortened attention span. I can only read one chapter at a time or one comic at a time before I need to check on Candy Crush or Criminal Case. I start writing blog entries and never finish them (there are about three times as many started as there are posted).

I can has ADD?

The most frustrating thing is that I am not thinking. It is like I refuse to think. My mind seems stuck in park. I want to think about something other than "I wish I was dead" but it is getting harder and harder to do so. I always pride myself on my intellect, it is the best thing about me. But lately, I would be unarmed in a battle of wits.

What am I going to do about my future? What if I can't find a job? What if I can't find a car? What if I get so deep in debt I can't climb out again? What if I am eating myself into a butterball coma?

None of these questions seem to need answering at this time, according to my brain. I have no idea what it will take to get me to care about my life again. Anyway, if you've read this far, you must be a real friend so thanks for listening to me aimlessly bitch.

This picture is on the cusp of almost too goddam adorable.