The Conflict

I am having a bit of an external conflict in that a very personal thought process is playing out in public. I write the truth in this blog about the way I feel. It is messy and not pleasant. I know this causes people who care about me to worry for me. That is not at all my intention. I write because I don't have deep, meaningful conversations...ever, these days. I feel completely disconnected from my friends in an emotional sense. So, these posts are to try to express how I feel and maybe get someone to understand me. I think all I have succeeded in doing is making people wonder when I will gack myself. I know the whining and the depression get tiring. Trust me, it tires me out even more because I live with these thoughts 16 hours a day.

So, if this blog is too raw or makes you feel uncomfortable or is just boring the shit out of you, don't read it. Honestly, I won't know who does and who doesn't. All I can tell is how many times it has been read. For all I know, I have one obsessive reader out there who hits refresh over and over again.

Right now, I feel like this is the best way I can communicate with the people I care about since we never can get into the juicy meat of things when we talk (mostly because it must be pried out of me and who has the patience for that?). I have decided not to post these personal entries to facebook anymore. If you guys want to follow me, you know where to find this by now.

Depression is a frustratingly narcissistic condition, I know. It seems like I am only thinking about myself and that is pretty much true. Bear with me and maybe the old Josh will come back. And maybe he will just be stuck in third person.

For those curious, this is the song my last post title came from...