An Ideal Woman

OK, I have approached this topic from 18 different directions and it is still eluding me. How does one write about an ideal in a realistic way? Idealism and realism are almost never the same thing. Relationships are imperfect because people are imperfect. It would be purely asinine to say "I want someone I never argue with" because who would that be? Probably a total doormat who has conflicting opinions but never shares them. And I don't want that.

The physical stuff is easy. Do we turn each other on? Yes? Then great. I have been attracted to women of all races, ages, body sizes, hair colors, etc. There are beautiful women all over the place. That is kind of the easy part.

Harder to find is this vague idea that I must respect the woman I am with. Respect can come from a lot of different places but I think I am talking primarily about intellectual respect. This feeds into every facet of the relationship, in my opinion. What we do with our free time depends on how intellectually curious we both are. Travel, learning, reading, experiencing...these are all indicators (at least to me) of intellectual curiosity. Does it have to be some constant yearning for a deeper understanding of the world? Hell no. Some days, you just want to sit on the couch and watch some good TV. But the main thing I have been missing in my life is a partner to go out and see the world with. I itch to travel, see places I've never seen, meet new and interesting people...doing it alone is fine but having someone to share with enriches the experience. Another curious person might see something I miss or understand an experience in a different way that makes me understand it more. That is what I'm missing. And I don't mean globe-trotting, there can be just as much reward in day trips or weekend excursions as month long sabbaticals. Driving a couple of hours to see an amazing movie that won't show here is pretty fun. I need to be with someone who appreciates that.

Speaking of movies, pop culture is a good way to quickly peg where someone stands. If they say they like everything, then they don't really care about pop culture and are probably not my type. I enjoy passionate opinions, even if they differ from mine. Seeking out music that isn't on the radio, movies that aren't in the top 10 and books that you can't buy at airports shows me that intellectual curiosity I was talking about above. Some people have just never been exposed to culture beyond the mainstream, and I love being friends with people like that but I look forward to being exposed to cool stuff as much as exposing a woman to cool stuff.

That kind of brings me to another important aspect of a relationship, the power dynamic. For years, I have bemoaned the imbalance in power I have felt in relationships. 9 times out of 10, I am crazy about someone and they are kind of warm but not madly in love with me. This puts all the power in their hands when I express my enthusiasm for them. Some women operate better when they hold all the power and some feel uncomfortable with holding it. I am someone who feels uncomfortable having all the power and I imagine I should be with someone who feels the same way. Right now, I don't have any power in my life. I have a job again (which is good) but I need transportation, better health and a clear direction before I can approach anyone from a position of confidence. To get into something now would be a waste. But soon, I will have the trappings of stability and will be looking for someone to share my life with as an equal.

One thing I know for sure I need, someone patient and communicative. As an only child (maybe, who knows why I am this way) I value my alone time. There are some times I just want to be by myself or working on something alone. This is why I love writing, it is a pretty solitary experience. Sure, in the early blossom of romance, you want to spend all your time together. I have certainly felt that way. I have only lived with one woman I have dated and, after awhile, the need to be around each other wears off. If you have something all the time, there is nothing special about it. I think this is true in relationships, too. One of the places of strain with my ex with whom I lived was that she had no friends outside of me. She wanted to stay in all the time. And sometimes, that was perfect. At other times, what if I wanted to be in by myself or out with my own friends? I felt like I was abandoning her. I still think there is a perfect guy out there for her who would love to just hang out with her all the time. I don't think I've ever met anyone I would want to be with 24/7. So, the trick is finding a woman who has her own stuff going on and hoping that our cycles are in sync enough that she wants to be out when I want to be alone and vice versa.

The patience part comes in when you have to understand that I have lived alone for most of my adult life. I mean, roommates or parents aside, I am very used to doing what I want, when I want. I plan ahead quite often and, when something comes up that disrupts my plans, it takes me a little time (sometimes just a minute) to adjust and remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. A patient partner will have to deal with that initial "what the hell?" reaction I have before I calm myself down. It is a reflex at this point, hard to overcome. If forewarned that plans might be changed, I react a lot better.

In essence, this blog entry is just me admitting my core traits or weaknesses and hypothesizing the type of woman who could deal with them. In review, the ideal woman would have the following traits: she would turn me on, I would respect her because of her taste and intellectual curiosity, she wouldn't want one of us to overpower the other (even though we could both count on each other), she would forgive my weaknesses, enjoy her own life outside of me and be able to cook kick ass cheese fries. Did I not mention that earlier? That's probably number 1. Does such a woman exist? Maybe I'll find out someday. Until then, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Blogging has been tough lately

By trying to write every day, I kind of push right past updating my blog and use up all of my words. I like my blog (it has helped me explore extreme narcissism in a whole new way) but it is the first thing to suffer when I get biz-ay with other writing. Talking to some friends the other night, one of the things we discussed is how I work better with an assignment. So, I am going to throw out about four topics I have recently thought of for Blog posts and you guys tell me what you want to read. I promise to have it done by the end of the weekend.

Should I write about:

A) My ideal woman?

B) Indie comics vs. mainstream comics?

C) Timeless Comedy?

or

D) My Top 20 Woody Allen movies?

Writing about Writing...AKA Graphophobia

A writer. I have always wanted to be a writer. This is buried deep in my early relationship with my mother where I always wanted to make her proud of me. Stephen King might as well have been my dad for how much she talked about him. She would tell me the plots to his stories and, even back in elementary school, I would rip them off and turn them in as writing projects.

Stephen King: Daddy?

I think I have written before about how I was held back in reading classes sometime in elementary school and this messed me up moving into middle school. I spent 6th grade in the remedial reading class until my teacher realized I was way too advanced for it. By 7th grade, I was not only caught up with my peers, I was taking creative writing.

Ms. Leatherwood was the second most influential teacher I ever had. I wrote horror stories that were sort of ungodly mash ups between comic books, movies I liked and King stories. I remember one I called the 100% Solution about monsters fighting each other that was pretty much just Monster Squad. Another one was called the Entertainers Club where one celebrity from every major facet of entertainment happened to be attending on the night that shadows overtook the earth (this was mostly Stephen King's the Mist but I am proud(?) to have thought up Vanishing on 7th Street 15+ years before Brad Anderson). She encouraged me and guided my writing. She got me into the creative writing program at the fine arts center for the summer before my 8th grade year. That was where I really learned to love writing.

It was also in my 7th grade year I went to Boston and the Plymouth Plantation that  was filled with actors trained to play pilgrims. One asked me what I wanted to do for a living and I said, "I want to be a writer." He said, "That's a fine way to starve." Which, yeah, back in the 1640s was totally true. But also, kind of true even today. From that moment on, I realized writing would have to take a back seat to something realistic.

George Singleton: My Personal Hero

I dabbled in poetry (such bad poetry, but I was praised for it once again) throughout the first couple of years of high school (and tried to find someone to draw my comic book ideas). My real writing started when I attended the Fine Arts Center my senior year (I had tried to go to the Governor's School for the Arts but was redirected to the Governor's School for Academics, which was still cool). George Singleton was, without a doubt, my biggest influence. He introduced me to short stories from Raymond Carver and Ron Rash and TC Boyle. He got me away from genre stuff and into "slice of life" stories. I think the best one I wrote that year was about a young man who figures out he and his father have both fallen for the same stripper. It was funny and had a little heart, one of the few times I hit that sweet spot of balance. I totally forget the name of it.

Raymond Carver: What We Talk About When We Talk About Writing

Into college I took more creative writing classes with Gil Allen, the man who taught George. He immediately could tell who I had learned from. Others in my class were still stuck on crime stories and elves but I wrote at least one good story called The Devil's Winter about a guy going on a disastrous date. I had already chosen psychology for my "realistic, don't starve" major because I was a good listener for my friends. I had lots of friends in the English department who I secretly envied for having the major I always wanted.

TC Boyle: Just read the story Termination Dust by the this guy and tell me he isn't awesome.

Upon graduation, I headed to graduate school where there was no room in my curriculum for creative writing (I did an intensive, one year masters degree program). This is when my writing slowly fell apart. I had (still have) the beginnings of about a hundred short stories, would-be novels and even flash fiction I began after the year 2000. It wasn't until my engagement fell apart in 2005 that I was driven to finish a short story (Five Movies). Which, by the way, is the last piece of writing I have finished besides comic book scripts.

Tim Gautreaux, another great short story and novel writer.

These were wilderness years where I had to come to grips with the fact that a real writer has to write. I only write when I am moved to do so. True, I get moved to do so on a semi-regular basis but I have no follow through. If I tell someone my story idea, I don't write it. If I know every beat of where a story is going, I don't finish it. If I don't know every beat, I don't finish it. I'm too tired, hungry, angry, distracted, bored, whatever. I always find an excuse not to finish a project.

If you only know his novels, check out Chabon's short fiction. It is great.

The last thing I got really into was writing a comic book called the Damocles Fugue. It was going to be a time travel kind of mindfuck comic but I couldn't fund the artwork on my own.

Lately, as most of you know, life has kind of opened some doors for me (doors to being broke as shit, mostly). But, for the first time in years, I have no excuse not to write. No job to burn me out, no girlfriend for me to dote on, no responsibilities at all, really. The past two months in Kansas City (and a little once I got home), I outlined 11 projects. 4 comics, 3 screenplays, 3 short stories and a novel. The idea is, I would sit down to write every day and roll two dice. The numbers 2 to 12 would correspond to one of the projects and I would work on whichever one came up. When one was finished, I would replace it with another of the same kind (like, if I finished a comic, I would come up with a new comic idea).

Irvine Welsh is one of those guys like Chuck Palahniuk and Nick Hornby that are writing somewhere between literary fiction and genre stuff. I eat it up.

The problem is, I can't get started. This very blog entry is an excuse not to write something else. I love my ideas, don't get me wrong. They are all over the map from sci-fi to slice of life to horror to comedy. There is enough there to spark my imagination and get me going. But here is my confession: I am scared. I am honestly scared to just sit down and write. I have always been my own harshest critic (99% of everything I have ever written is pure garbage, trust me). I delete page upon page if I don't find it up to snuff. I have probably deleted more than most people have ever written. I guess I am worried that I will sit down to write and nothing but crap will come out. And, you know, there will be days where nothing but crap does come out. That's just part of writing.

I guess the biggest thing holding me back is, if I don't try, I can't fail. I mean, besides a useless amount of knowledge about comics and movies, a lot of my identity is tied up with the idea that "yeah, I could be a great writer if I just bothered to do some." I mean, to find out the thing you think is a part of you is actually nothing special, how demeaning would that be?

Whatever my fears, it is time to suck it up and dive in. The results may be shit but I have to sink or swim now. My friend has started a "creative project club" where we all keep each other accountable for our projects. I need someone to harass me about it every day. I thrive on deadlines (realistic ones) and pressure. I do my best work at the 11th hour when I have to start something, push through the inevitable slump and then let it go exist without further meddling. Who would like to be the Burgess Meredith to my Sly Stallone? The Professor X to my Wolverine? Darth Vader to my Boba Fett? It is a thankless task that will probably get you bitched at by me but I really need someone to hold my feet to the fire and set goals for me. I know, it sounds like a dream come true. In the end, maybe you'll get to read something worth reading? Who knows?

Or maybe I should just quit whining and learn some discipline.

Where did the healthy go?

My friend Joy harassed me into joining a fitness website called my fitness pal where you log your meals and exercise each day. Like I thought, I am eating about 1300 calories a day. But I don't feel like I am starving. As I posted on facebook, I learned to put my cheat day on Saturday instead of Sunday. Because of course I am going to drink Dr. Pepper on my cheat day and of course it is going to keep me up all night. So it might as well be Saturday night. From now on my log will be on that fitness website. I may post occasional updates here (like when I can fit back into my 2x shirts).

Frustration with Political Discourse

A friend of mine posted an article Noam Chomsky wrote for Salon about how the U.S. is fucking up. And I agree, we are fucking up.  But I would love to see some solutions rather than just a list of charges against the U.S. I really don't know who this article is being written for. If you are reading it, you probably already know all the things he is talking about (drone attacks, oligopoly rising, the climate is fucked, etc). You can nod along and agree but after that, then what? There is no call to action, no solution presented for our ills, just a recognition of them. And I know why.

The beginning of the article was far more stimulating in that it argued that US is not a true democracy (which, again, you should sort of know already). Corporations influence the media, the media influences voters and campaigns are pure PR. No shit. Fox news and MSNBC didn't just create themselves, though. Networks fail all the time. People are choosing to watch them. People are choosing to watch them more than boring old "fair" news channels like Headline news or CNN.

I believe that a lot of passionate political thinkers have a streak of naive humanism in them. They believe that, all else being equal, if the unadorned facts were presented to people, they would react rationally. Chomsky makes a point of saying democracy is based on an informed electorate making rational decisions but that the media undermines this goal. He also derides the idea espoused by some liberals that the common man can't think for himself and must be led to the truth. So, can people think for themselves or are they being led astray by the media? The fact that people are letting the media lead them astray would seem to validate the claim that most people are sheep. People have to choose to be in the choir to which the preaching is aimed.
 

John Stewart and the Daily Show love to point out how the media fails at fact checking and honesty in reporting. They would like to move the news back to the Cronkite era of facts without editorialization. Which is a fine goal but what was different between now and then? Oh right, there were only three broadcast networks. Today, people can choose from a whole big pile of media. Just like traveling to a strange town, Americans can now be assured that they can eat the same Whopper in Wisconsin as they can in Idaho or walk into a Wal-Mart anywhere and know where to find a specific item. Anecdotally, I know plenty of people who do not like to be adventurous when they travel outside their home cities. They want the food they know they like. They want the stores they know their way around. This is just basic human nature 101. Just like choosing the least scary restaurant and store, why would a liberal choose to sit and watch Fox News when they can watch Rachel Maddow tell them that they are right about everything? Shit, Sean Hannity makes me want to punch something.

I don't know if I believe in followers versus leaders but I do believe in seekers versus acceptors. Lots of people are just raised to believe something and that is what they believe until they die. And maybe everyone goes through a seeking period (usually college or something) but then returns to the safe bosom of what they have always believed (but now they can back it up with theories and rhetoric). The difference between seekers and acceptors, I would argue, is not so much intelligence as opportunity. If you are middle class and above, you have time to be Chomsky. You have time to think about politics and how aggressive war games might be poking the North Korean bear instead of the North Korean bear's crazy dance inspiring the war games (there is a lot of implied causation in the article where only correlation exists, at best). Poor people, regardless of gender or ethnicity, don't really give a shit about corporate malfeasance and Iran's nuclear policy. In a perfect world, would the electorate want to be informed and rational? Sure, probably. But this is where academia and reality part company. Chomsky seems to think the citizens of the U.S. are an Aristotelian ideal of an electorate being bullied and hectored by the rich and corporations. "We would be smarter in our decisions, if only you would let us!"

I say "bullshit" to that. We give up control and responsibility for our own lives every day. Money buys you freedom to think for yourself and control your environment more and more (thus acquiring more money). The same problem with communism is the same problem with capitalism, those in power will never voluntarily relinquish it. Even all the millionaires who are saying "Tax me more!" would never allow themselves to be taxed back to a middle class income. Communism calls for overthrowing the rich and making everyone equals but...of course, there has to be a transitioning government between being a capitalist country and a communist one, some group in power that facilitates the redistribution of wealth. Once they are in power, as we clearly saw in Russia after 1917, they don't step aside. They just abuse their new found power as bad as the original ruling class did, if not worse. For every Trotsky there are 100 Lenins.

I have written before that people in the singular are good, thoughtful, helpful, fair and just. People as a collective are petty, vindictive, greedy, violent and horrid. As a group, without personal accountability, you get lynchings and riots and public beheadings. This is why there is no real change without violence (physical or economic) and those willing to get shit done are also the ones you can't trust to just abdicate their own self-interest for the good of the group.

This, then, is my frustration. To change politics, governments and policies towards justice and fairness is to change fundamentals of human behavior that have never not been a problem. Willing apathy on the part of the privileged, necessary apathy on the part of the destitute, the loss of moral integrity when diluted in a group, the need to maintain power once it is achieved...these facts of human existence are why true humanist leaders are exceptional and earmarked by history. Just like serial killers and circus freaks, people who are able to maintain selflessness are abnormalities. Not that their activities shouldn't be admired or inspirational, just that their actions shouldn't be considered a bar that everyone can realistically rise to.

I don't know, I know this sounds cynical and pessimistic. It just seems overwhelmingly obvious that human nature gets ugly the larger and more diverse a group of people are involved. Get down to a tribal or even small town level, and I think you can get most people on the same page. Much larger than that, consensus is an illusion and any system (or non-system) of government is just going to have to do the best it can. Leadership is always going to be needed and those leaders will always be human (until the Martians invade). The fact of their humanity means, no system of government is ever going to work perfectly or even fairly, to be honest. Any "fixing" we do will be band-aids on cancer but that doesn't mean we ever need to stop trying. If you hate the drone program, do something that makes maintaining that program unfeasible (politically or economically). If you think taxes are bullshit, well, they are inevitable but maybe you can make them less soul-crushing?

I know, a long rant for nothing but I just get tired of finger-wagging from both ends of the spectrum without any realistic solutions.  Feel free to pontificate on political matters to your heart's content but outrage without purpose just exhausts me. Solutions aren't going to be found in Utopian ideals. Let's bring the conversation back to the real world where politicians worry about elections (hence, Obama can't ignore terrorism or democrats are "soft on terror" and can't invade other countries with ground troops so he has this half-assed, probably illegal drone thing going). Whatever the topic is, the first question should be "what are our realistic options?" and that excludes everything that begins with the words "ideally" or "hopefully."

NOTE: I do agree with Chomsky that the current political trend of "no compromise" is kind of bullshit.  Fucking nothing is getting done. I'm glad we all have our beliefs, now let's figure out how to live together realistically instead of like 10 year olds who take their toys and go home if they don't get their way. But that is another rant.

Getting Healthy Day 6

So, I did eat my leftovers from Tablefields for dinner last night. Three wings and some mashed potatoes. I took a 30 minute walk around my block and thought a lot about an idea for a novel. It was a productive walk.

Today, I woke up and ate my usual eggs, whole wheat pita and orange juice. My father bought an egg and sausage biscuit from Bojangles for me. I saved it for lunch (545 calories in one biscuit, yeesh!). Tonight I ate a Smart Ones dinner with beef tips and mashed potatoes. I had a 100 calorie mini ice cream sandwich for desert. I drank half a bottle of coke zero with lunch and a vitamin water with dinner. Still only about 1000 calories today.

I realized I hadn't taken my "don't go crazy" pills for a few days and was very light-headed. I found them and disaster has been averted. That is all for today.

Getting Healthy Days 4-5

It is easier to update this after lunch every day. After my tasty salad, Jack and I moved some dryers around (long story) and I went out to eat. My new challenge when going out to eat is to eat half of what I normally would. I ordered wings and mashed taters from Tablefields. There were 7 wings (luckily, one of them was tiny) so I ate 4. The mashed potatoes I cut in half. I drank water. The meal was tasty but it did bring a bit of the acid burn back.

I avoided any soda or snacks at the movie theater (both for my wallet and diet) but never got a chance to walk. When I got home, I sipped a little Coke Zero before bed because I was thirsty. I made a decision to import my workout program (which was working really well) to my current diet/health kick. In fact, I was about to write out a whole new document but I will just type it here for future reference.

OK, I was on phase 4 or so when I left KC. So, I will reduce phases 1-3 to one week each and then pick up where I left off...

Phase 1 whatever exercise I get on accident (I covered this by not working out the week I moved).
Phase 2 Walk 30 minutes 2x a week (if I can walk one more time this week, I am good for this one).
Phase 3 Walk 30 Minutes 2x a week, do 10x pushups, situps, crunches, curls, dracula lifts and girl, er, modified pushups 2x a week
Phase 4 Walk 30 mins every other day, do the other stuff 2x a week but up the count to 20 each.
Phase 5 Walk 30 minutes every other day, do the other stuff at 20 reps every other day
Phase 6 This starts my couch to 5k modified plan while upping my workout reps to 25 each. This involves a spreadsheet and the idea of slowly completing the Couch to 5k course instead of rushing through it.
Phases 7-12 go through couch to 5k every other day and slowly up my other work out reps to 55
Phase 13 is running 30 minutes every other day and maxing out my other stuff at 60 every other day.

By the end of phase 13, I should be pretty damn good looking.

Today, I had to get up to take my grandmother to the doctor. I didn't have time to scramble eggs so I grabbed a Special K blueberry bar and cup of orange juice. Lunch has left me feeling a little uneasy. Even though it was with Joy and Kells, and I enjoyed myself, I hate a bento box of pork dumplings, white rice, some sort of potato triangle and a slice of orange (with Diet Coke to drink). I could feel I was eating too much but I didn't want to stop. I gave one of my potato things away and only ate half the rice but I ate all five pork dumplings. Ugh. What's worse is that I know tonight's meal should be my leftovers from tablefields. This isn't my cheat day but it is beginning to feel like it. I know none of this alone is too bad but it is rather early in the diet to start slipping. That is the major problem with having friends and eating out together, it is rarely healthy no matter how good it is for your soul.

Getting Healthy Days 3 & 4

Yesterday saw a slight variation. I traded in a glass of OJ for my morning orange and moved the morning orange to dinner time desert. I still had my eggs and whole wheat pita. I skipped lunch because something about the yogurt-based ranch and the spinach was turning my stomach to think about and I didn't know I was waiting for a ride that would never show up. For dinner, I had the other half of my mac n cheese (never as good reheated) and 2 bunless hot dogs (with the aforementioned orange for desert). Drinks were water and a cup of Coke Zero.

One fascinating thing is that my heartburn and acid indigestion has vanished since I started this diet. No more tums or acid reducers needed. Maybe it was the soda all along.

I figured it up and I am eating a little over 500 calories for breakfast and lunch. Even with Mac n Cheese and hot dogs, I am eating less than 1500 calories a day. But I don't feel like I'm starving or anything.

Today, I did the usual eggs and pita and OJ again. For lunch, I am doing hearts of romaine and carrots with the yogurt dressing. Much better for some reason. The spinach was leaving a gritty feeling in my teeth I didn't like. I usually love spinach...weird.

So, things are looking good so far. I hope to walk again at least one more time this week. With my diet on track, I am rebooting my workout plan (so that shit doesn't go crazy until things cool down a little). No weighing...not yet.

Entertainment or Art?

Pop Culture, besides residing on a spectrum of "good" and "bad" also exists somewhere between entertainment and art. All of these labels are purely subjective. What I find to be good entertainment might not be the same for you. For example, to me, Die Hard is Good Entertainment. It is pure entertainment, with very little (to no) subtext. But it is damn fun to watch. Bad Entertainment might be considered something like the 2005 Eugene Levy movie, The Man. It isn't so bad that it becomes fun to watch and mock...it is just objectively not entertaining. Good Art is something like Requiem for a Dream, in no way was I entertained while watching it but it moved me the way good art does. Bad Art would be something like Keyhole, a super pretentious movie from last year that seemed to have been written by a first-year film school student. It didn't make me think about anything other than, "When will this be over?"



All that said, my favorite movies entertain me while leaving me with something to think about. Memento is a great example of the cross between art and entertainment to me because it was a blast to watch but also created questions and ideas in my head that lingered long after the film was over. That is kind of how I break art down from entertainment, you enjoy entertainment in the moment and art creates some change in you or lingers with you for a long time.

He's asking if you have seen this, and so am I.

I was inspired to write about this because I recently read an article about Breaking Bad which posited that it is sort of a cheap magpie, stealing ideas from better shows. True, this is right on time for a hipster backlash against the program, but I wanted to respond in a true way and not just as a knee-jerk "nu-uh" reaction. I have named it my second favorite show of all time (and it might supplant The Wire if it sticks the landing) so I had to ask myself, is it a good show?

No Spoilers, Bitch!

My cousin does a thing where he starts watching a show and just burns through all the episodes so he can know what happens. Whether the show is good or not, get him even slightly interested and he will watch every second of it. I have a problem with not getting hooked on shows that other people seem to love. For example, he showed me the first two or three episodes of Orange is the New Black (which might as well be called "what everyone is raving about this summer") and it didn't hook me. It feels a lot like a female Oz. Slightly wacky but nothing very engaging so far. It doesn't help that I so dislike the main character right away.

I did at least get to see Laura Prepon's naked body so...that was a plus.

Another non-starter for me is one I feel a deep shame in not appreciating...Mad Men. Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some John Hamm. He is fascinating to watch and it is a good thing he is the central character. However, most of the other cast does nothing for me. His wooden wife, the mousey secretary, the interchangeable office assholes...only John Slattery has made any sort of impression on me. At first I thought Pete Campbell would be compelling as an antagonist but, nope, he is just another office asshole. Granted, I am only halfway through the first season but it feels like eating my vegetables to sit down and watch the show.

All that is to say that Mad Men and Orange is the New Black don't entertain me. The characters don't engage me, the plots aren't especially enthralling and I never get the urge to sit down and watch the next episode immediately. Not to say there haven't been cool moments. Don Draper confronting his brother was a nice piece of awesome tension, but that is a single scene out of the hours and hours of the show I have watched.

Things were different in the 60s, we get it already!

The article I read claimed that Breaking Bad doesn't know what to do with the female characters (kind of true) and is built on implausible storytelling (probably true) but I'll be damned if I am not riveted. It isn't high art. The Wire is a very entertaining breakdown of a city from the angles of crime, labor, law, politics, education and the media. It gives you lots and lots to chew on and think about while telling a very compelling crime story. Breaking Bad has far less on its mind. It is entertainment first and an examination of good and evil second. Sure, it raises a couple of interesting what ifs about the slippery slope of letting your morals go for a little while but it really excels at creating plot situations that bounce the characters off of each other in fun, entertaining ways. The article says everyone but Walt is one-dimensional but the situations they all find themselves in are engaging regardless. The actors are good enough to bring their characters to life, get us invested and hope everything works out for them. It isn't art, but I will punch anyone who says it isn't entertaining.

Any excuse to plug The Wire, I will take it.

I remember my senior year of high school, I went to my girlfriend's prom (she attended a different school than I did). Her best friend and I argued over the relative value of entertainment versus art. I was saying that if a piece of pop culture doesn't make you think, it is worthless. He was saying he just consumes pop culture for the escapism and didn't want to have to think. Both of us were idiots. Really great creators can do both at the same time. Inception will never be a perfect movie for me because Nolan spends so much time explaining things that the audience (if they are even a little smart) could figure out. This year, Upstream Color (by the guy who made Primer), presented a complicated story with very little explanation and it was just as entertaining (I had problems with the third act but that is neither here nor there). I know some people who only want to watch art. And that is fine, as far as it goes. I can't imagine not wanting to sit down and just be entertained by Anchor Man or Drunk History or The Raid: Redemption every now and then.

Good flick. If I do a marathon this year...

All that is to say, there is nothing wrong with entertainment. Entertainment, in small doses, can release the psychic pressure valve of a hard day's work or tough emotional time. It can cheer you up or at least distract you for awhile. The danger is in consuming nothing but entertainment. Religion used to be the opiate of the masses, now it is television. For me, it is mindlessly trawling the internet for hours on end with no goal in mind. Too much entertainment makes you intellectually flabby and susceptible to suggestion (in my opinion).

On the other hand, too much art can distance you from other humans. To live in the rarefied air of nothing but metaphorical visuals and allegorical language is to make a chore out of art. If you have to learn something every time you are supposed to be relaxing, you aren't really relaxing.

Like I said earlier, the best films and television shows are those that thrill you in the moment and leave you thinking after they are done. That way, you get the release of entertainment, coupled with the mind-engagement of art. Unfortunately, creators who know how to straddle that line are few and far between.

What do you think, gentle reader? Where do your tastes lie? Everybody Loves Raymond or Arrested Development? The Shield or Law and Order? The Conversation or Enemy of the State? There are no wrong answers if it makes you happy in some way.

Getting Healthy Day 2

Had the same breakfast and lunch as yesterday (I have to find a way to flavor up that salad, the spinach and carrots are fine but it is missing something). The orange, eggs and pita thing is still going well. Still water for both the first two meals. For dinner, I am trying my new approach to the crap I usually eat, which is eating half of it. I made macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. As little as two weeks ago, I was eating 4 hot dogs and a whole box (3 cups) of mac n cheese when I made the meal. So, tonight, I made two hot dogs (without the buns) and ate 1.5 cups of mac. It satisfied my burning desire to eat something fatty but I still don't think I went over 2000 calories today. I took a nice 30 minute walk and ate some frozen blueberries for desert. This is just a diary to help me keep track of my progress. You guys don't have to read it unless you are curious.

Getting Healthy Day 1

It was so hot in my room last night that I couldn't fall asleep until 3am or so, making my plan to wake up early not so feasible. Once I got moving around 10am, I made my new breakfast meal- two eggs, scrambled, with half a whole wheat pita shell and a whole orange. I drank water with the meal.

For lunch, I ate a spinach and carrot salad with low fat yogurt-based ranch dressing. For dinner I ate a Smart Ones frozen meal of chicken fettucini alfredo. Water to drink the rest of the day. I treated myself to a Sobe's 0 calorie life water flavored like a blood orange (no aspartame or other artificial sweetener in it).

I wanted to take a walk today but instead spent most of the afternoon driving around looking for an open K-Mart. When one was nowhere to be found, I gave in to my arch-enemy and went into Wal-Mart. Even though all their customers are my size or larger, they don't carry my size in pants. I had to go to the Casual XL place to find an outfit for job interviewing.

I went to my storage facility off 291 and found it chock full of spiders. Needless to say, I am not diving back in there until I invest in some gloves.

I attended comic book club tonight with four of my favorite people (John, Aubrey, Adam and Shawn). We discussed Astro City, one of my favorite comics. I missed these people. Other things happened but I'm too sleepy to type them out. Merry Christmas everyone!

Food Porn

I gently take the ripe, textured orange into my hand. With firm thrust, I move my serrated edge against the skin. If it was filmed with a high speed camera, a violent spray of juice would be seen erupting from the place where the hard steel penetrated the supple outer layers. Slicing into quarters, I already feel the sticky sweet juice coating my fingers as I work.

Oh Baby, you look ready to go!

Taking a quarter into my mouth, an explosion of taste greets my tongue as I work the pulpy insides through my teeth. A nibble at first, to test the sweetness, gives way to a ferocious consumption of the entire fruit...the juice running across my jaws as I greedily take it into my mouth. Finally, the white skin laid bare is all that remains as the last traces of pulp are licked away. My stomach filled with moist contents of the orange, I recline...cognizant that there are three more quarters awaiting my attention.

Food Porn!

Back in Town

In an attempt to cheer myself up, I am going to try to list the top 10 things I like about Greenville besides my friends. Ok, here goes...

1. Mid-way between Athens and Asheville- I know it is kind of shitty to say that something I like about Greenville is how close it is to other, better, towns but it is true. Asheville and Athens both have great movie theaters, music venues, comic shops and all the things I eventually want Greenville to have. Both are easy to get to from here and, if I lived in either, the other one would be hella far away. Atlanta and Charlotte are also not so far and both of them also have cool things sometimes. So, great placement.

2. We have two comic shops. If they weren't half a mile from each other it would be even better but I have found lots of towns have none or, like Kansas City, waaaay too many to sustain healthy sales. They all cannibalize each other.

3. There is a loose but growing geek community here. This is dangerously close to me talking about my friends but if you are a movie buff, comic geek, sci-fi nerd or even music addict...there are people here who will get you.

4. A plethora of non-franchise pizza places. Maybe it was just living in the delivery dead zone of Kansas City that got to me but there were only the usual corporate choices up there for delivery food. Even though I am going to get in shape, it is nice to know I can go splurge on pizza fries at Pizza City or a comically over-sized pie from Torrellis.

5. Pretty Place at Camp Greenville. Damn nice view.

6. Although not quite as popping as KC, there is a nice little Improv comedy community here which I plan to force myself on as if they were a helpless plate of pizza fries from Pizza City (note to self: rewrite this when I am not hungry).

7. It may be hot as balls but...at least we have mild winters?

8. I know where everything is, more or less.

9. We are starting to get some culture. Good bands play at the Radio Room and the Handlebar even manages some good ones every now and then. Some theaters are playing indie movies now. Thanks to the Peace Center, we get big city productions and thanks to the Little Theater and Warehouse Theater, we get some eclectic drama.

10. Seriously, I am coming up short here. I am trying to think of something that doesn't come off snotty (like, "If I ever need to have my soul saved, there is a church every mile or so") or creepy (like, "Girls around here sure do know how to dress in ways that sexually arouse me"). So, I will break my introductory rule and say, all my friends and family are here and I love them.

If I'm Not Bipolar...

I'm missing a really good opportunity. Like being on a kind of...huh, just linked lunar and lunatic in my head...I mean, I knew lunatic had the moon connection before but never really thought about it. Anyway, I seem to be on a lunar cycle between depression and energetic optimism about life. I have just crossed into the optimism phase. So, this will be a little pollyanna...don't worry, sad sack Josh will be back in about a week or so.

I have been excited this week thinking about seeing all my friends again, and all the fun (cheap as free) stuff I can do with them. I am also thinking about getting in shape. I am fantasizing about eating fruits and salads and walking and jogging and being healthy. I am not thinking about getting a job, for some reason. But I am thinking about writing one of my four comic book ideas, three screenplay ideas or something altogether different. I am not thinking about transportation much. I am trying not to think about how I will be a burden to my parents and friends (cuz, booooo). I am thinking of going back to school, getting a PhD in Criminology, becoming a...researcher? Hell if I know. Or learning some computer shit and doing some CJ stuff with that. Or joining the Peace Corps. Or getting a job in a new, exciting city. I am thinking of restarting our Improv group in Greenville or, failing that, trying to join one in progress. I am thinking of concerts and movies and conventions. I am excited for the future! Instead of no hope, I have almost nothing but hope...because, for serious, how much else can I fuck up in this one year? Here is a silly song...

General Update

No real fancy topics to talk about tonight. I've been wanting to write and just struggled with something to write about. Due to my reduced income, I haven't purchased any new music. I've seen a couple of movies, but nothing to really get my juices flowing creatively. I'm still watching the West Wing and enjoying it (although, the crying moments have reduced somewhat). Besides having a weird desire to write about Britpop last night (which will explain the britpop videos scattered throughout this) I have no pop culture information to relate to you, my audience.

I had a post up earlier this week about how angry I am but I took it down. It felt good to get it off my chest and online for a few hours (I think three people read it in total) but it was mainly just a venting thing. I found out my ex married the guy she left me for. It created some...raw...emotions to say the least.

I've been packing the week, trying to do as much as I can without retrieving the spider-clogged boxes I threw down in my basement when I first moved in. My comic collection is really the only thing that has grown and not even by much. I've been saying my goodbyes to my local friends. Megan and I had dinner last night, Dale and I had lunch today. I went to my local comic shop one last time. It has all been kind of bittersweet.

I am slowly starting to get geared up for returning to Greenville. Breaking Bad is about to end. I get to show my mom and maybe some other people Arrested Development Season 4. I have been thinking about my future. I am contemplating a PhD in Criminology...what do you think?

Now, it is a matter of trying not to leech off too many people for too long. I read an article on Cracked today about the ways people respond to others doing nice things for them. One of the points made was that, sometimes it is really hard to accept help. I am thinking back to all my friends I have loaned or just plain given money to over the years. Now, some of those friends are trying to give me money and I am making it hard on them by being prideful. I know I should let people help me the way I help others but, man, it is tough sometimes.

I don't know how long I will be back in Greenville but I hope I get to see everyone at least once. Oh, yeah, and make a movie. Part of me wants to see if I can get a grant to just write short stories, movies and comics...hmmm...I wonder if that is a thing? Note to self: check on creative writing grants, ask Eric about grant writing.

Well, that is it. Nothing much to see here. My depression is under control (just stressed about the move right now). I am trying to outline a horror screenplay and I keep freaking myself out after dark...which is kind of fun. I hope everyone who reads this is healthy and happy and safe.