An Ideal Woman

OK, I have approached this topic from 18 different directions and it is still eluding me. How does one write about an ideal in a realistic way? Idealism and realism are almost never the same thing. Relationships are imperfect because people are imperfect. It would be purely asinine to say "I want someone I never argue with" because who would that be? Probably a total doormat who has conflicting opinions but never shares them. And I don't want that.

The physical stuff is easy. Do we turn each other on? Yes? Then great. I have been attracted to women of all races, ages, body sizes, hair colors, etc. There are beautiful women all over the place. That is kind of the easy part.

Harder to find is this vague idea that I must respect the woman I am with. Respect can come from a lot of different places but I think I am talking primarily about intellectual respect. This feeds into every facet of the relationship, in my opinion. What we do with our free time depends on how intellectually curious we both are. Travel, learning, reading, experiencing...these are all indicators (at least to me) of intellectual curiosity. Does it have to be some constant yearning for a deeper understanding of the world? Hell no. Some days, you just want to sit on the couch and watch some good TV. But the main thing I have been missing in my life is a partner to go out and see the world with. I itch to travel, see places I've never seen, meet new and interesting people...doing it alone is fine but having someone to share with enriches the experience. Another curious person might see something I miss or understand an experience in a different way that makes me understand it more. That is what I'm missing. And I don't mean globe-trotting, there can be just as much reward in day trips or weekend excursions as month long sabbaticals. Driving a couple of hours to see an amazing movie that won't show here is pretty fun. I need to be with someone who appreciates that.

Speaking of movies, pop culture is a good way to quickly peg where someone stands. If they say they like everything, then they don't really care about pop culture and are probably not my type. I enjoy passionate opinions, even if they differ from mine. Seeking out music that isn't on the radio, movies that aren't in the top 10 and books that you can't buy at airports shows me that intellectual curiosity I was talking about above. Some people have just never been exposed to culture beyond the mainstream, and I love being friends with people like that but I look forward to being exposed to cool stuff as much as exposing a woman to cool stuff.

That kind of brings me to another important aspect of a relationship, the power dynamic. For years, I have bemoaned the imbalance in power I have felt in relationships. 9 times out of 10, I am crazy about someone and they are kind of warm but not madly in love with me. This puts all the power in their hands when I express my enthusiasm for them. Some women operate better when they hold all the power and some feel uncomfortable with holding it. I am someone who feels uncomfortable having all the power and I imagine I should be with someone who feels the same way. Right now, I don't have any power in my life. I have a job again (which is good) but I need transportation, better health and a clear direction before I can approach anyone from a position of confidence. To get into something now would be a waste. But soon, I will have the trappings of stability and will be looking for someone to share my life with as an equal.

One thing I know for sure I need, someone patient and communicative. As an only child (maybe, who knows why I am this way) I value my alone time. There are some times I just want to be by myself or working on something alone. This is why I love writing, it is a pretty solitary experience. Sure, in the early blossom of romance, you want to spend all your time together. I have certainly felt that way. I have only lived with one woman I have dated and, after awhile, the need to be around each other wears off. If you have something all the time, there is nothing special about it. I think this is true in relationships, too. One of the places of strain with my ex with whom I lived was that she had no friends outside of me. She wanted to stay in all the time. And sometimes, that was perfect. At other times, what if I wanted to be in by myself or out with my own friends? I felt like I was abandoning her. I still think there is a perfect guy out there for her who would love to just hang out with her all the time. I don't think I've ever met anyone I would want to be with 24/7. So, the trick is finding a woman who has her own stuff going on and hoping that our cycles are in sync enough that she wants to be out when I want to be alone and vice versa.

The patience part comes in when you have to understand that I have lived alone for most of my adult life. I mean, roommates or parents aside, I am very used to doing what I want, when I want. I plan ahead quite often and, when something comes up that disrupts my plans, it takes me a little time (sometimes just a minute) to adjust and remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. A patient partner will have to deal with that initial "what the hell?" reaction I have before I calm myself down. It is a reflex at this point, hard to overcome. If forewarned that plans might be changed, I react a lot better.

In essence, this blog entry is just me admitting my core traits or weaknesses and hypothesizing the type of woman who could deal with them. In review, the ideal woman would have the following traits: she would turn me on, I would respect her because of her taste and intellectual curiosity, she wouldn't want one of us to overpower the other (even though we could both count on each other), she would forgive my weaknesses, enjoy her own life outside of me and be able to cook kick ass cheese fries. Did I not mention that earlier? That's probably number 1. Does such a woman exist? Maybe I'll find out someday. Until then, I have a lot of work to do on myself.